When should I let go of a friendship?

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . March 22, 2011 . 9:16PM

When should I let go of a friendship? This question is a hard one that I’ve asked myself so many times in my life that I truly don’t remember the first time I thought “this isn’t working, I’m not happy and this has to stop.” What I do remember is that I generally have allowed my friendships to get to that point where I have begun to feel trapped in that friendship and I have realized that I no longer want to be in any kind of relationship with that person, including as an acquaintance. All of this could have been fixed with some simple communication on my part, on their part, on both of our parts, but it hasn’t happened, or it happened with little results or no long lasting results. Ultimately, my stomach turns, my anxiety increases and it is in my head that…

…it’s time to break-up.

Is that a little dramatic? It sounds like a romantic relationship, right? A new friendship can be as exciting and as intoxicating as a new romantic relationship. It doesn’t mean you are in love with that person, but it activates similar levels of dopamine and you feel that same dopey feeling of, “Gosh, aren’t they just wonderful? I want to spend more time with them. I wonder what they think about…” When you’ve found someone that shares common traits and activities, it can lend something fresh to a life that may feel stale. However, just like every other relationship, it will age and it will either age like a fine wine or it’s going to age like last week’s tacos. I have some amazing friendships that are like wine bottles I have yet to open. They just keep going and I sometimes wonder if the shoe is ever going to drop…and it never does and it just keeps being wonderful. These aren’t the relationships I’m talking about today.

Today, we’re going to talk about tacos and when it’s time to toss ‘em.

First, it’s important to examine what you’re giving to your relationships. Are you giving it everything you’ve got? Most of us aren’t. Who has time to give a friendship 100% of their life? Most friends aren’t asking for 100% and that isn’t something that should be expected. However, if you are the one who is always going over to their house, who is always the one listening to their problems, who is always being the one to put forth the effort…you’re having last week’s tacos and it’s time to re-evaluate the purpose of this friendship.

People are not solitary. I’m an introvert, by nature, and generally I can spend quite a bit of time on my own and do so happily. Yet, there will always be a pack mentality within me that propels me to get out there and make friends. Call it evolution, call it “getting out my talkies,” call it whatever you want. People need friends for support and love. If you don’t have it, you want it. If you have it, but the other person gives you nothing in return, you are in a friend deficit. You are doing the giving, you are receiving nothing in return and…I’m sorry, I missed the point of the friendship. What are they adding to your life again?

What are some signs you have a taco?

-When that person calls, you are available and you let it go to voicemail.

-You consider what to do in your free time and that person doesn’t cross your mind.

-The thought of spending time with that person makes your stomach hurt, your heart race or makes you grit your teeth.

- You can’t trust that person and you wonder, quite frankly, if they have your best interests at heart.

-You think they might be using you for something you have: money, skills, a ride, who you know, what you’ve got.

-They stir the drama.  These people will eventually come around to stir you into the pot.

- When you try to tell them something that is bothering you, they may give you a token amount of time, but they will not allow you talk until you feel better.  They have no problem cutting you off when THEY are done.

-Even when they know something is important to you, you have to remind them it exists.  (Like a blog!)

-When you try to include them in your life, it only happens when they have downtime.  You are NOT someone’s downtime.

- They allow a boyfriend or girlfriend to take precedence over a longterm friendship.

- They constantly argue with you over things that don’t matter; Being right is more important than being harmonious.

- They take your life personally.  This can be in the form of your being sick and not showing up to hang out must mean you don’t care about them all the way to you not taking their advice means you think they are stupid.

- They judge how you do things such as parenting your child or choosing a job.  We are not talking about someone who carefully helps you work through things.  We’re talking flat out judgment.

- They don’t care if they hurt your feelings and they speak before thinking.

- They just aren’t as mature as you are and you’ve outgrown the relationship.

Ok, I could really go on and on and on with this forever.  This is a small sampling of symptoms of a larger issue.  We must learn how to trust our gut when it says “it’s over, let it go” because when we decide to let go we free ourselves from something that feels unhealthy to us and allows us to be available for something amazing to come our way.

Trust yourself.  Toss the tacos.