It’s hard to let him grow up

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . August 20, 2011 . 4:11PM

It’s been difficult for me to write anything substantial as of late. There are a lot of reasons for this, but the one thing I’ve been focusing on tremendously is that my son, A.J., is 10 years old now. This year, he moved up from elementary school and there is little I can do to stop his growing up. He’s 8 years from official adulthood and when it kicked in, roughly 3-weeks ago, the regrets and the guilt overwhelmed me.

Every mother suffers from “the grass is always greener” syndrome. Those of us that went back to work or school eventually come to realize that we wish with all of our hearts we’d stayed home with our kids. Those of us that were stay at home moms have days we wish with all of our hearts we could just get out of the house for a little while. I was the work and school mom and during this time period emotions flooded me in that I didn’t do enough “stuff” with my kid. He’d invited me to his school for events repeatedly and frequently I didn’t go. Sure it was sometimes because I had things that had to be done, but sometimes it was because I was just tired and felt like I needed time to myself.

I can’t get that time back and it was pervasive and overwhelming to me. The week before he went back to school this year it pierced my heart so hard that I began to cling to him and struggle with the idea that my son was going to grow and change and, with that, so would our relationship. The little boy in him is already almost gone and a tween is taking his place. I combed the internet for other mothers that felt this way and mainly hit articles that talked about the empty nest syndrome and mothers feeling this way right before pre-school and right before college. Rarely did I see a mother that was hitting it around the time I was and it concerned me.

It is now 3-weeks into his school routine and I’m finally starting to be ok with our change of events. I went back into my journal and realized that every single year of school I struggled with him going back, just not to the extent that I struggled this year. He is adjusting and so am I, mainly with his support and love. He’s still a 10-year old. A tall 10-year old with a lot of opinions who I feel is growing too quickly, but he’s a 10-year old boy who loves his mother desperately and who understands that mothers sometimes have trouble with their kids growing up. Thank goodness for empathy and compassion in children.

As we get back into school and baseball and life moves forward, I resolve to do better. I resolve to be as involved in A.J.’s life as he’ll allow as well as striving to continue with healthy boundaries between us. I strive to finish my education and create a healthy balance with my home-life and try to be more understanding with myself and others. I strive to allow him to grow and learn and be the best man he can be…because that’s my job…as his mom.