The life isn’t fair principle

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . March 17, 2012 . 9:41PM

As AJ grows older, it becomes more and more clear that he is not grasping a term that we lovingly call the “life isn’t fair” principle. Alanis Morrisette gave a nod to it in her 1990′s hit song, “Ironic,” and it is one of the hardest principles for kids to grasp as they move into that abstract stage of tweenage years from the concrete black and white stage of childhood. The life isn’t fair principle not only notes that there are times that other people will get more than you, but also they might get it unjustly. The key to the life isn’t fair principle is that, as a moralistic person, you acknowledge the principle, try harder, work longer, and keep going without biting their heads off or losing yours.

Tonight, as AJ is in his 11th year, we went to dinner. All day he has complained that his stomach hurts and it’s cramping and it “must be a growth spurt, Mama, ’cause I just can’t get full. I eat and eat and eat.” AJ thinks his mama doesn’t understand, but as a mom who went through many of those, her last at 21 years of age, I remember them well. For dinner, I asked him to eat a lot of protein to help fill him up and some fruit. He wrinkled his nose and asked about the free ice cream that McDougals offers. It’s a small 2 oz cup, the size of most sauce containers in sit-down restaurants. Lately, he has not been getting these small treats as I am watching my carbs and I’m not keeping things like that in the house. I grudgingly nodded and said if he ate all of his good food, he could have the small, 2oz cup of ice cream.

As we ate, we watched grown adults overload their cups to 4 times the amount of ice cream allowed, many of them laughing at their cleverness as they walked away. We continued to eat slowly and AJ cut his chicken and grumbled, but he ate it because there was ice cream at the end of this gray rainbow. However, when he was done, he happily jumped up to go to the ice cream machine, pulled out his cup and…nothing. There was no ice cream left. The sign blinked, “Freezing. Freezing. Freezing.”

He turned to me with an unhappy, accusatory glare. Leon and I had already eaten our ice cream because we hadn’t spent our time grumbling about eating healthy food. “Mom, it’s out!” He turned again and managed to get ice cream the size of a quarter out of the machine, but that was it. A group of college students who had just gotten full cups and hadn’t yet received their food, and who would likely be there after the ice cream had frozen, watched him carefully and I noticed a couple averted their eyes. I wondered to myself if all of those adults who had gleefully taken much more than their share would feel as gleeful if they saw AJ’s crestfallen face.

In the past, at times like these, I would have taken him out for ice cream elsewhere, but I can’t shelter him from this stuff. This is a minor disappointment, not a major one. I chose not to fix it. I said, “Bummer. Life isn’t fair.” Leon nodded and asked if we were ready to go. “I ate it in one bite!” AJ said unhappily. “Mom, all those people were filling their cups more than they were allowed and I didn’t get enough.”

AJ, that is just how life works sometime. Life isn’t fair. Sometimes, you eat the ice cream you get and move on. Maybe grumble a little less next time so you can get more. Or be ok with no ice cream this time and some ice cream next time. Life isn’t fair. However, there are plenty of folks that would kill for the life you have on most days. Their life isn’t fair, either. It’s going to be ok.

Next time we go, we still will not do our ice cream first. Belief systems are about hanging firm even when things don’t turn out the way you’d like. It’s a hard lesson. Life isn’t fair.

The best Valentine for a tired mom

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . February 18, 2012 . 1:59AM

The last few weeks have been tiring. I’ve been working on a dissertation, my internship, my teaching job and quite a few other things. I haven’t spent as much time just relaxing and enjoying my family as I would like, but it hasn’t been terribly stressful, either. There just hasn’t been much free time. The one thing that I was capable of remembering was that one of AJ’s favorite holidays was coming. AJ will tell you that Christmas is his favorite (because he loves his extended family time and his presents) followed by Halloween (because candy and costumes are awesome). However, even since AJ was a little guy he has loved Valentine’s Day.

AJ has always had a tender heart. We have also always included AJ in the Valentine’s celebration. He’s not a fan of giving valentines to everyone, but when it comes to celebrating those he loves? It’s on. This year, we were looking forward to truly spending time together. He’d asked for flowers because, “I’ve never gotten flowers from anyone, Mama.” So, instead of flowers, he got a bamboo plant that he could grow on his own. He looks at it and whispers to it the way I do my daisy plant. I know. It’s odd. But I’m telling you, it’s the only plant I’ve kept alive and that little bit of daily encouragement helps it grow.

He also got a new baseball helmet with his name airbrushed on it. I had no idea this was such a big deal, but my little cousin Lola did it, too! I expected a gift from my husband, but I didn’t expect anything but a hug from my sweet little guy. Or maybe a card. Some years he’s done a card. At 6:07am, on Valentine’s Day (probably lucky he waited that long), I felt a little hand shaking my shoulder and flowers were thrust in my face along with a huge box of chocolates. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Mama! I love you!”

I still haven’t stopped smiling. I took pictures of my flowers. We devoured chocolates together as a family. I told everyone I knew that my son thought of me. I found out, later, that he’d spent the money he’d gotten as a gift from his NeeNee to buy my presents. They were ever so much sweeter.

If you want to know how to get to someone’s heart, show pure love and no motivation for anything in return. AJ waits all year long to buy me flowers. Leon said that almost every time they go to the store that AJ asks to get me some. I’m a lucky mom.

I get Valentine’s Day every single minute of every single day that I get to spend with my son.

Kindle for kids

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . January 18, 2012 . 6:15PM

It used to be that technological gadgets were solely for the adults who could afford them. Kids were expected to enjoy kid things and appreciate what they were offered. However, as we’ve grown with technology, we’ve figured out that we can use that technology to help our kids grown and learn in ways that may be more effective than some of the ways that we have been trying to teach them. One of the nice things about the obsolete nature of technology is that it is not only for adults anymore. When something begins to drop in price and starts to lose it’s shiny value for adults, the price drops to a point where it is a feasible option to buy for our children because we no longer stress about them destroying it any more than we do the huge remote control car we might get them as their one super gift for a holiday or birthday. The price has become reasonable and the expectation is that they may or may not like it and they may or may not take care of it, but either way, it’s their gift. Sometimes this is a massive upset and setup for failure and sometimes it turns out beautifully.

This year, for younger children, the “in” gift was the leapfrog. The leapfrog is a small mini-computer system that helps kids learn. What? This is the “IN” gift? Something that helps a child learn? Yep. It makes learning fun, it looks like the smartphones, tablets and computers the big kids and adults have and it has fun “games” for little ones. It was SO COOL this year. Parents were scrambling for these things.

I’m lucky enough that my son, AJ, has just turned 11 and I don’t feel the need to hit up the cool kid stuff. Frankly, I never have. I always assumed he’d be happy getting anything and he has always met that expectation. This year, he’s mentioned wanting plenty of things, but over the summer, I added a kindle to his wishlist knowing that he dislikes reading. He’d commented on my kindle, one of the 2nd generation ones I’d bought 3 years ago, and mentioned that he wished he had something cool like that on which to read his books. I mentioned that I’d consider buying him the kindle if he’d ever read books, considering I was begging him to read.

When October hit, it was AR season. In his school, and other public schools around the country, kids have Advanced Reader goals to hit and if they get points they get rewards. AJ was struggling to hit his minimum. He complained to me that, “I’m not like you and Daddy. I hate to read. It’s not fun for me. I don’t get why you guys like it.”

When November rolled around, I’d already decided that I was buying him the kindle mainly because he didn’t have much else on his list. If he didn’t like it, I’d give it to Leon, who’d waffled back and forth about wanting one. I’d gotten some Best Buy rewards and it had dropped my kindle price to around $50. It was a steal at that price and AJ could at least try a couple books on it.

When Christmas morning rolled around, AJ opened it up and seemed excited enough. He couldn’t wait to try out some books on it because it was shiny, it was new, and it was something that mommy had that he wanted and he never got shiny, new, technological TOYS. He seemed a little disappointed that his NeeNee, his Oma and I got him so much money on Amazon gift cards specifically for books for his kindle, but grudgingly decided he’d give it a try.

Since then, he’s read no less than 12, 300+ page books on his kindle with 4 of those being read in the last week. Almost daily he is requesting that I search for new books for him on Amazon and I mentioned to him today that he is almost out of his hefty Christmas and birthday amazon.com card stash for books. He laughed and said, “I can’t help it, Mama, I loooooooove reading. It’s so much fun!”

This kindle, it could be a game changer for kids that don’t like to read. As I write this, AJ is laying on the couch sick as can be, but he’s also calm and relaxed reading his Kindle. He used to tell me he couldn’t read more than an hour a day and now, some days, he reads up to 4 or 5 hours. His main issue with reading is that he is now reading on an 8th or 9th grade level in the 5th grade and most of the books he is reading don’t fall into his AR category so he doesn’t get points for reading them. He reads them anyway. He likes them. He likes to read. He loves to read. I love that he loves to read. Thanks, kindle. Thanks, amazon.

*note: Amazon/Kindle didn’t pay me to write this. They don’t know I’ve written this. This came totally from my heart.