Even Stevens, do you hear me?

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . February 16, 2010 . 10:10PM

So, my karma has been on the evil side of bad lately.

Frankly, I knew it was coming. I’ve been a bad girl and I was due. When it came, it came and hit me horribly. Without going into all the details, life came crashing down and the effects are long-lasting and hard. Sickness and horror upon friends and acquaintances, hard times, school frustration, you name it. The business of life has been quite a lot to bear lately.

However, I’ve taken my licks like a woman and not a child and I think that I have just about had enough. Tonight, we’re in the black, karma. In. the. black.

I just went to take a shower. I was stank. Truly. My hair was greasy. I have been inside with the dogs all day due to snow and I just needed to feel clean. I leave tomorrow for a conference and if I don’t shower tonight, my long, thick, wavy hair will never dry in time for me to make my flight. It’s why I take my showers at night unless I want to have a bad 80s perm all day.

After making my way upstairs, I gathered my pajamas and went to the bathroom where I noticed that one of my two major sources of light was out. This wouldn’t be a problem but I needed to shave my legs. I know this is too much information, but bear with me. You have to know this part of the story. I’m 5′11″ and my body is all legs. I need that light to see and, quite frankly, I’d been waiting to shave until the night before the trip so I’d be silky smooth. Ladies, you know what I mean.

With a dubious look to the light, I started the water and figured I’d soldier on. How difficult could shaving be in the semi-dark? I could still see the legs, just not the hair.

This is the part where karma laughs at me loud and long.

We’re all good until the shaving part. I’ve put my conditioner in to set while I shave. With the first stroke, I know I’m in trouble. My blade is dull. It’s the last blade I have left before a trip I’m going on tomorrow and all I have is a dull blade, hairy legs and a dark bathroom. I make the unwise decision that if I shave MORE SLOWLY the blade will still do the work of a sharp blade.

I’m a smart person. This was not a smart moment.

I cannot see the leg, so I shave some areas and not others and then shave over some parts and make then sensitive and tender to touch. Nicks are everywhere.

This is when karma and I become even.

Someone in my house, either the 9-year-old or the 32-year-old, makes the unwitting decision that I need to be put in my place once and for all: They turn the water on. As I’m sliding the dull blade up my leg, yet again, the water goes from luke warm to scalding in about 2 seconds. I jump, the blade skips up my leg and…you can see where this is going.

I still have conditioner in my hair.

I’m hurt.

I’m angry.

And this is not funny.

Eventually the water turns lukewarm and I throw the razor across the bathroom and wash my hair out.

We are even, karma. Even Stevens. Do you hear me? It’s over.

Female dog attacks

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . November 23, 2009 . 4:17PM

Sometimes our friends want to know how Leon and I argue. We generally are both pretty good humored and seem like our relationship is even-flowing. We’re like any other couple in that we have lots of ups and downs. Things aren’t always as flawless as they may seem. I’d like to think that we handle things with a certain finesse, however.

Here’s one example.

In the middle of a disagreement…

Leon: (begins laughing uncontrollably)
Jillian: WHAT?!
Leon: I was just thinking “Maybe if I stay very still she’ll think I’m dead and attack something else.”
Jillian:…
Jillian: …
Jillian: I don’t even know what to say right now
(Later he admits that he thought “It’s not working, run away!”)

Yep. That’s our marriage.

Car trouble, why do you plague me?

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . November 9, 2009 . 10:34AM

Yesterday was a no good, very bad day.

It didn’t start that way. It started just fine, well, as fine as a day can start when I’m on a 4 day caffeine induced headache can start. However, I’ve been getting my fitness on and eating well and I was convinced I could get rid of the headache with some really fantastic endorphins. The ones that the elliptical gave me on Saturday were…superb to the say the least.

So, AJ and I headed to the Y and left the sickly Leon at home to face his chest congestion. AJ loves to go the Y and swim while I work out and I like having the company while I drive. We were almost there when I saw joggers going past. As I turned into the Y, I made sure that I made a wide arc to give them plenty of room. I know what it’s like to be on the side of the road and have cars so close that I can feel their heat. I was not rewarded for my good thoughts this time, though, as there was a huge area of pothole/uneven pavement with jagged edges that had my name on it.

It took out both of my right tires and I swerved to avoid rolling down the small hill. When I swerved, I must have bent the rim of one of the tires. When my heartbeat got back to normal, AJ and I got out of the car and hiked up to the Y. We had Leon on his way and roadside assistance coming with the tow truck, so there was nothing to do but go work out. The other option was sit in my car and stew about it. Honestly, I’d rather listen to my mp3 player and work off the calories.

This still hasn’t hit the part where my day was bad. I can handle things like that. As long as I have some semblance of control, I do fine. However, an hour later, the tow truck had not arrived and the place to replace the tires was only open a little while longer. During that time period, Leon’s car battery died. As he was about to lose his shhhh, a gorgeous man was flagged over to help us jump start the car. Of course, this happened after I’d worked out and I. was. stank. Figures.

An hour and a half later, the tow truck finally showed and offered to take my car to their shop and fix the tires. Ok. That worked for me. I hadn’t eaten and was about to Hulk Smash someone, so we grabbed food and went on our way. When we got there, they let me know that the rim was bent, and the two tires punctured beyond repair and they couldn’t fix my car that night, so it would be the next day before they could help us.

Yep. No good very bad day. If you want to contribute to my new tires, you know where the donate button is.

At least it wasn’t as bad as this guy, who drove his car into the flower bed at my office building and knocked down the office sign.

You think you had a bad day?

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . August 25, 2009 . 10:07AM

Some days, you have those days where you feel like you didn’t realize you were ever in the lead, but everyone you know or don’t know is throwing blue shells at you like a massive dodge ball session. I recently had one such day.

After a fitful night of sleep, I woke up and got dressed and SHELL I had a migraine.

Leon was going out of town, so we decided to meet for lunch. On the way there, I bumped the side of my tire rim on a parking block. SHELL

I had an hour between lunch and a doctor’s appointment, so I went to the dollar tree for a little non-harmful retail therapy. I actually needed some toilet bowl cleaner (WOOO!), so it was productive. Until a woman in the cheeseball aisle walked directly up to me and burped in my face. And not a polite, oopsy burp. A full on sailor belch. I almost vomited. SHELL

When I got to the doctor, I sat in one of the 30 available seats and an old man came in and sat right next to me. Within 3 minutes, I heard a nasty noise, felt a small vibration on the connecting seat and it began to stink really, really bad. Then it happened again. And again.

The old man next to me was pooping in a diaper. Right next to me.

He turned to me and grinned.

He did it on purpose.

SHELL

More stuff happened, but I think that pretty well takes the cake.

When I picked up A.J. from school, we went to Sonic. I got a Route 44 (super huge) Sweet tea and got him a shake. I needed it.

If anyone feels the need to come sit right next to me, when there are 30 available chairs and burp in my face or poop, they can go shell themselves.

Who feels 13?

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . August 21, 2009 . 6:14PM

New specs? Check.

Bad Hair day? Check.

Feel bloaty? Check.

No makeup/photoshop? Check.

Unibrow reappearance? Check.

What is possibly a shadow, but could also be a mini-stache? Check.

Acne breakout like it’s 1988? Awwwww, yeeeeeeaaaah.

Bring it, honkies. It’s so on. Who wants to go round with this beast? You? You? SURELY, not you?