When the bow breaks…

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . February 2, 2012 . 6:08PM

A couple of close friends of mine have recently had a baby. I’ve mentioned April repeatedly in this blog and she and her husband Chris have a new baby girl who is just the most beautiful and cool little girl out there! It was a pure joy for their friends and family to watch April grow and Chris get happier by the day with excitement and love for this child. As the day neared, friends and family became anxious and none of us could wait to meet her.

She came and is wonderful and beautiful, sugar and spice and everything nice and just a little bit of spicy tortilla, because she wouldn’t be part of the group if she weren’t a little feisty, right? It’s easy to adore her and, for the most part, April’s pregnancy and labor went beautifully. Mom and baby are fine, Daddy is beaming and everything is happy. They are adjusting well to their new situation and those of us who waited for them to become a family can feel the love and watch them glow as they grow in their new life together.

However, sometimes challenges arise that threaten the happiness. They often do and they often will when you have a child. Some of them are under your control and some are not. Something has come up that April and Chris prepared for, but due to negligence, has fallen out of their hands. I want to draw your attention to Chris’s post where he explains this fully, but Baptist Hospital in Nashville, where they gave birth, is trying to steal from them. Yes, those are harsh words. This is a harsh situation. See, a deal is a deal and April and Chris made a deal with the hospital to pay them money for the labor and delivery up front. The hospital kept their money for 2 months prior to the birth of their child and then the hospital was supposed to offer them a discount on that labor and delivery. It is to ensure the hospital is paid in a timely manner and that if something were to happen to April and the baby prior to that date that they would still get some of their fees.

Again, this was a deal that they make with perspective parents as an incentive to give birth in their hospital and birthing babies is a lucrative practice. In a city like Nashville where there are 2 or 3 hospitals in a ten mile radius, where you give birth is important. You go to the place that you trust to take care of not only your child, but also mama and daddy. My understanding is that the care Chris, April and sweetpea received was wonderful while they were in the hospital. It is the shoddy way they are being treated now that is unfair and wrong.

The gist of the story is that April had false labor and instead of applying the money she had already paid to her labor and delivery and giving her the discount on that, which was the DEAL, which is what she had ALREADY PAID FOR, they put the money paid onto her bill for that evening. Now, the way I see it, the bill for the labor and delivery should already have been generated and marked PAID with that money and anything extra should have been billed later. If something happened and April did not give birth, then they would need to refund the money. It’s that simple. What is happening now is that Baptist is seeing a way to milk two young parents out of much needed funds and this is not just wrong, it’s bad business.

What I am asking from all of you is for your support for these two as well as what can they do in this situation? Can they report them to the better business bureau? Who should they talk to regarding this? Do they need a lawyer? What are their options? Any support you can offer would be greatly appreciated. If you have time to go read Chris’s blog and offer him support there, I know he and April would appreciate it so much.

What Baptist Hospital in Nashville is doing is not ok. A deal is a deal and you get what you PAY for, not what someone else decides you get. What awful customer service!

When should I let go of a friendship?

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . March 22, 2011 . 9:16PM

When should I let go of a friendship? This question is a hard one that I’ve asked myself so many times in my life that I truly don’t remember the first time I thought “this isn’t working, I’m not happy and this has to stop.” What I do remember is that I generally have allowed my friendships to get to that point where I have begun to feel trapped in that friendship and I have realized that I no longer want to be in any kind of relationship with that person, including as an acquaintance. All of this could have been fixed with some simple communication on my part, on their part, on both of our parts, but it hasn’t happened, or it happened with little results or no long lasting results. Ultimately, my stomach turns, my anxiety increases and it is in my head that…

…it’s time to break-up.

Is that a little dramatic? It sounds like a romantic relationship, right? A new friendship can be as exciting and as intoxicating as a new romantic relationship. It doesn’t mean you are in love with that person, but it activates similar levels of dopamine and you feel that same dopey feeling of, “Gosh, aren’t they just wonderful? I want to spend more time with them. I wonder what they think about…” When you’ve found someone that shares common traits and activities, it can lend something fresh to a life that may feel stale. However, just like every other relationship, it will age and it will either age like a fine wine or it’s going to age like last week’s tacos. I have some amazing friendships that are like wine bottles I have yet to open. They just keep going and I sometimes wonder if the shoe is ever going to drop…and it never does and it just keeps being wonderful. These aren’t the relationships I’m talking about today.

Today, we’re going to talk about tacos and when it’s time to toss ‘em.

First, it’s important to examine what you’re giving to your relationships. Are you giving it everything you’ve got? Most of us aren’t. Who has time to give a friendship 100% of their life? Most friends aren’t asking for 100% and that isn’t something that should be expected. However, if you are the one who is always going over to their house, who is always the one listening to their problems, who is always being the one to put forth the effort…you’re having last week’s tacos and it’s time to re-evaluate the purpose of this friendship.

People are not solitary. I’m an introvert, by nature, and generally I can spend quite a bit of time on my own and do so happily. Yet, there will always be a pack mentality within me that propels me to get out there and make friends. Call it evolution, call it “getting out my talkies,” call it whatever you want. People need friends for support and love. If you don’t have it, you want it. If you have it, but the other person gives you nothing in return, you are in a friend deficit. You are doing the giving, you are receiving nothing in return and…I’m sorry, I missed the point of the friendship. What are they adding to your life again?

What are some signs you have a taco?

-When that person calls, you are available and you let it go to voicemail.

-You consider what to do in your free time and that person doesn’t cross your mind.

-The thought of spending time with that person makes your stomach hurt, your heart race or makes you grit your teeth.

- You can’t trust that person and you wonder, quite frankly, if they have your best interests at heart.

-You think they might be using you for something you have: money, skills, a ride, who you know, what you’ve got.

-They stir the drama.  These people will eventually come around to stir you into the pot.

- When you try to tell them something that is bothering you, they may give you a token amount of time, but they will not allow you talk until you feel better.  They have no problem cutting you off when THEY are done.

-Even when they know something is important to you, you have to remind them it exists.  (Like a blog!)

-When you try to include them in your life, it only happens when they have downtime.  You are NOT someone’s downtime.

- They allow a boyfriend or girlfriend to take precedence over a longterm friendship.

- They constantly argue with you over things that don’t matter; Being right is more important than being harmonious.

- They take your life personally.  This can be in the form of your being sick and not showing up to hang out must mean you don’t care about them all the way to you not taking their advice means you think they are stupid.

- They judge how you do things such as parenting your child or choosing a job.  We are not talking about someone who carefully helps you work through things.  We’re talking flat out judgment.

- They don’t care if they hurt your feelings and they speak before thinking.

- They just aren’t as mature as you are and you’ve outgrown the relationship.

Ok, I could really go on and on and on with this forever.  This is a small sampling of symptoms of a larger issue.  We must learn how to trust our gut when it says “it’s over, let it go” because when we decide to let go we free ourselves from something that feels unhealthy to us and allows us to be available for something amazing to come our way.

Trust yourself.  Toss the tacos.

Because Trivia night is no laughing matter…

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . January 31, 2011 . 8:49PM

My friend April is one of the calmest, most level-headed people I know. She rescues animals and has the sweetest nature. She’s quiet and always willing to lend a hand to anyone that needs it. However, there comes a time when April isn’t sweet, kind or particularly compassionate and that’s trivia night.

I struggle with how to describe the change that comes over my dear friend. We all head to the nearby Mexican restaurant for a night of relaxation and laughter. The rules are simple: don’t use your cell phones, don’t yell out answers and submit them within the time limit to the person running the trivia night. We spend the time, as a small group of friends, eating delicious Mexican cuisine, running through our vat of useless knowledge and really, just having a wonderful time. I look forward to trivia night for weeks prior to it happening and I think my friends feel the same way.

When we get there, however, a subtle change begins to take over my friend, April. It starts with the delicious food. April starts to hum and dance a little at she eats what is, inevitably, a mountainous plate of food that she will never finish. When she proclaims herself full it will look as though she took one bite even though she ate just as long as everyone else did. During this time, she will smile and everything will appear to be well on the surface. It’s not. Oh, no, it’s not. Do not be fooled. She’s gearing up the way some people wear their dirty socks to a game. April is in it to win it.

When it comes time to play, she will cheerfully volunteer to go get the game sheets and bounce, nay, skip to the game table and come back with our sheets. Team Android, as we are called (what? We LIKE our phones), is about to show you all how it’s done. During this time, the change begins to show itself as whomever is putting our name on the sheets isn’t writing them quickly enough and April begins to scope out the competition.

As the game is played, April’s eyes shift and she makes sure that all are playing by rules and WOE to them if they are not. This has culminated in her calling people out for using cell phones by glaring at them until they feel her eyes on them, making it known to AJ so he will say “You aren’t supposed to use cell phones” loudly enough that they get up and leave and, during one of our last nights out, had April openly mocking a team who raised their hands to cheer when they did well.

April is not a mean girl. But Trivia night brings out the fighter in her. I have to say that it is hysterical and I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Mild mannered American sweetheart by day. Cage fighter by Mexican trivia night.

I might just request that they play Eye of the Tiger just for her, next time.

Those Crazy Kids

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . September 25, 2010 . 2:44AM

It’s been a month since I’ve been back to school and the one thing I miss, more than most of the other fun summer things I’ve given up, is the biweekly ritual my friends and I have known as trivia night. Every other week we pick a night and we go to the local Mexican place where we have to get there 30 minutes early to even get a table for our group. This was not always the case, but some evil snitch told everyone else how cool trivia night was and now the whole town knows.

So, we make a deal that whoever can get there early shows up 30 minutes early to get us a table. I don’t know about the rest of the group, but I start to look forward to trivia day about two days early. It’s not the amazing Mexican cuisine, though the food is easily the best Mexican in town. It’s not the stellar service, because the waitstaff is highly overworked on those nights. It’s not the celebrity sightings, even though we’re certain we saw a country singer the last time we went because in Nashville we leave our celebrities alone.

The whole day of our trivia night feels special and around 4pm, the texts start flying. “Is it trivia night?” “You coming?” “We’re so in. See you there.” “Can you get the table?” “Yep, got it. I’ll be there early. How many?” “Are you bringing a guest?” “Cool beans. I’m so excited. We’re gonna WIN tonight!”

It’s everything that happens in a two hour time span that makes that time together special.

AJ is the runner. He immediately goes up and gets our tickets to put our team name on there. We always choose the same name and it’s one that sends me into giggles every time. Either April or Bryan has to be the team writer. I’m not sure how this happened beyond my utter lack of attention to the questions and their ability to write fast. We can count on certain people in certain categories and me for no categories.

And, up until the last time we went, we never got close to winning. Last time, we got third. It was a proud, proud day.

The one thing that we can guarantee is that there will be a lot of laughter. Many attempts will be made to screw up the other teams by saying the wrong answers loudly. AJ will say the right answer loudly several times until I threaten to take away whatever junk he’s gotten from the bubble machines by the door if he doesn’t knock it off. April, who is as mild-mannered as they come, will look around suspiciously at people who are using their cell-phones (against the rules!) and may even scare a couple of them into leaving with her glare.

But there will be lots and lots of laughter.

I miss it, terribly.

I can’t wait for winter break.

It’s time for Trivia Night.

Internet friends

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . March 25, 2010 . 10:30AM

At CPAC, every time you turned around you could find someone you knew.  By this I mean that if you didn’t know them personally, you would recognize them from television, their blog, twitter or from pictures with your friends.  For me, this meant that CPAC felt like one big family reunion.  I’ll admit it:  I felt like a cool kid. 
 
My friends and Leon’s friends were there and those that were not were keenly missed.  Though there were thousands of people there, you couldn’t wander around without seeing someone you knew.  Even online friends were instantaneous friends.  This is the nature of and the intricacy of internet friendships.  You spend so much time speaking with someone online that it builds an immediate sense of comraderie and bond. 
 
This is not always a positive thing.  I’m fully aware of stalking and the like.  In this case, it was a delightful experience.  Please be careful who you talk to online.
 
By the end of CPAC, we’d formed our own mini-group.  The group was consulted before meals and definitely before going out in the evening.  Like-minded people who enjoy spending time together and who are at the same event sharing food:  what could be better? 
 
One evening, we headed out to get a very late bite.  Some of the participants wished to get a drink and we headed on to the bars on the strip to find a place to eat and settle down to talk for the night.  After walking for what seemed like an inordinate amount of time, but what was really only around a couple of blocks, we found the place that 3 different iphones had placed as THE place to be for the evening.  As we started to head in the door, with all of us pulling out our IDs, there was a problem.  Caleb’s license has expired.
 
Caleb is well beyond the legal age.
 
Caleb looks like a logger.  Caleb looks like his picture.  Caleb’s picture ID states that he is above the legal age.  The kid at the door, who couldn’t have been all that much above legal age himself, refused Caleb entry.  He stated that it was the “new thing” for kids to use outdated IDs to get into bars.  Clearly, the ID was Caleb’s.  The kid again refused and stated that “in the DC stings bars were being busted for things just like this.”  At this point, Caleb’s brother Ben came to his defense and we left after words were exchanged. 
 
Be aware.  You might not be who you really are.
 
The silver lining was that the experience bonded the group even further and we returned to the hotel where we started and the bar and restaurant there.  This was also the place I’d suggested in the first place.  Before the walking and the argument.  To say I was smug would be true.  But we had a great “war story” and the group had a great evening. 
 
Yes, internet relationships are interesting.  I’ve met some of the best people of my life on the internet.
 
Here is to meeting many, many more.