Even Stevens, do you hear me?

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . February 16, 2010 . 10:10PM

So, my karma has been on the evil side of bad lately.

Frankly, I knew it was coming. I’ve been a bad girl and I was due. When it came, it came and hit me horribly. Without going into all the details, life came crashing down and the effects are long-lasting and hard. Sickness and horror upon friends and acquaintances, hard times, school frustration, you name it. The business of life has been quite a lot to bear lately.

However, I’ve taken my licks like a woman and not a child and I think that I have just about had enough. Tonight, we’re in the black, karma. In. the. black.

I just went to take a shower. I was stank. Truly. My hair was greasy. I have been inside with the dogs all day due to snow and I just needed to feel clean. I leave tomorrow for a conference and if I don’t shower tonight, my long, thick, wavy hair will never dry in time for me to make my flight. It’s why I take my showers at night unless I want to have a bad 80s perm all day.

After making my way upstairs, I gathered my pajamas and went to the bathroom where I noticed that one of my two major sources of light was out. This wouldn’t be a problem but I needed to shave my legs. I know this is too much information, but bear with me. You have to know this part of the story. I’m 5’11″ and my body is all legs. I need that light to see and, quite frankly, I’d been waiting to shave until the night before the trip so I’d be silky smooth. Ladies, you know what I mean.

With a dubious look to the light, I started the water and figured I’d soldier on. How difficult could shaving be in the semi-dark? I could still see the legs, just not the hair.

This is the part where karma laughs at me loud and long.

We’re all good until the shaving part. I’ve put my conditioner in to set while I shave. With the first stroke, I know I’m in trouble. My blade is dull. It’s the last blade I have left before a trip I’m going on tomorrow and all I have is a dull blade, hairy legs and a dark bathroom. I make the unwise decision that if I shave MORE SLOWLY the blade will still do the work of a sharp blade.

I’m a smart person. This was not a smart moment.

I cannot see the leg, so I shave some areas and not others and then shave over some parts and make them sensitive and tender to touch. Nicks are everywhere.

This is when karma and I become even.

Someone in my house, either the 9-year-old or the 32-year-old, makes the unwitting decision that I need to be put in my place once and for all: They turn the water on. As I’m sliding the dull blade up my leg, yet again, the water goes from luke warm to scalding in about 2 seconds. I jump, the blade skips up my leg and…you can see where this is going.

I still have conditioner in my hair.

I’m hurt.

I’m angry.

And this is not funny.

Eventually the water turns lukewarm and I throw the razor across the bathroom and wash my hair out.

We are even, karma. Even Stevens. Do you hear me? It’s over.

And now for something serious…

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . January 22, 2010 . 9:06AM

There are many things in my life that I am passionate about that I don’t take the time to write about here. It isn’t that I don’t care enough, it’s that I understand and am aware that my passions are not the passions of everyone. And I also know that when people are strongly polarized, the reasons of one’s heart are often not enough to sway one another. However, there are times that not saying anything is akin to agreement and I feel like I cannot let this subject be one in which there is any doubt as to how I feel.

Those in my life that know me best know that I’m generally quite apathetic on most issues and due to my profession, I support people as to their decisions. With that said, I am adamantly pro-life for many personal reasons and many well thought out ones. As a humanist, a scientist, a mother, a woman, a friend, a social science major and someone who cares deeply for others…I can be nothing else.

My husband wrote a post today, on the anniversary of Roe v. Wade. I’m linking it here. My personal whys will remain unsaid… Sometimes it is better that way.

In Memoriam

Aging and the thinning of my stomach lining

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . June 29, 2009 . 2:49PM

I’m a fan of blamestorming. In case you haven’t heard of the term, blamestorming was recently granted membership into the dictionary:

blamestorming
(verb) : to gather and discuss who is to blame for a given failure
(noun) : a meeting held in order to come up with a name of a person to assign guilt to a certain incident

So, as I was saying, I was recently allowing my brain and my stomach to do some blamestorming and they have decided that THIS IS ALL MARTINA MCBRIDE’S FAULT. That’s right. That shameful woman placed a craving in my head for weeks that wouldn’t go away and I decided to just go ahead and stop it with the most effective means possible: fulfilling the craving.

Let me present you with the evidence. In Ms. McBride’s song, the effervescent, catchy girl-power filled tune, “This One’s For the Girls,” she states:

This is for all you girls, about twenty-five.
In little apartments just tryin’ to get by.
Livin’ on, on dreams and Spaghettios.
Wonderin’ where your life is gonna go.

Did you see it? Did you? The evidence is right there. Ms. McBride placed the idea of having them there, cotton-picken ‘Os in my head. And it wouldn’t be right if I didn’t.

So, as we walked through Walgreens the other day, lo and behold, the ‘Os were ON SALE. It was a sign from God as sure as he’d stood in front of me and passed me the ‘Os and blessed them Himself. I told my husband and son that they were for our son and placed them in the cart.

Honestly, I gave A.J. TWO WHOLE DAYS to eat them…while they were stashed away in a plastic sack in a cabinet. And, when he didn’t eat them, the heavens opened and I sucked those suckers down.

And then I paid.

Oh, I paid.

I’m so, so sorry. It wasn’t blessed by God. The sale sign was a TEMPTATION. Yes, yes it was, and so are Ms. McBride’s evil ways. Because, now that I’ve had the ‘Os, I’m mighty sorry.

As a child, I remember lovingly scooping these into my mouth and enjoying them greatly with no ill after-effects. That is NOT the case right now.

Your Honor, I’d like to request the harshest punishment possible for both the person who put the idea in my head, Ms. McBride, and the supplier, Walgreens. In the interest of the way society is, as a whole, I take no responsibility for eatin’ the ‘Os myself, as there was no warning on the label that those over the age of 18 should not consume these for fear of their bodies blowing up. Please don’t make me go into details about my pain and suffering. If you’d really like to know, the ‘Os are still on sale down at your local Walgreens and, boy, they sure are tasty.