Supporting friends through reconciliation

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . March 29, 2012 . 12:36AM

I know this is a difficult concept for some folks, but when people who were strongly moving toward divorce make the serious attempt to work things out, the options you have are to be loving and supportive, say nothing at all and maintain the type of friendship you’ve always had with the one you’ve always supported, express your displeasure openly so it can be discussed or passive aggressively say nothing and shun them so they know you are upset.

Here’s the thing though, what those people are doing is hard work and no one is struggling with this decision more than they are and they need their friends, family and community to help them through it because it’s only going to end one of two ways: with them back in the role of partners for life and resenting how you treated them/thankful for how you treated them or with them devastated and alone and resenting you for how you treated them/thankful for how you treated them. And trust me…they remember. Every single second of it.

A couple of years ago I posted that I was dealing with separation from my husband and that we were going to privately make some decisions on our own. In the last 2 years, many, many mistakes have been made, but we are working on things. As I reflect on the last two years, what I think about frequently was how people chose to treat us differently when they found out that we were separating. There was automatic third wheel status. We weren’t then, and are not now, invited to places where we were previously invited as a couple. People see us differently. I had a taste of how people would view me as a divorced woman and, frankly, it wasn’t kind.

I was very, very angry. Without stirring up my personal life with a mixer, I’ll just say that there are some things in the past that were way out of my control and it felt like I was being punished for that by people that were supposed to be my friends and people that were supposed to care for me. Even more interesting is how people have responded in the 7 months since my husband and I decided to truly try to fix this marriage. People that had taken sides, and probably understandably so, immediately shunned both of us because we were clearly idiots for going back to someone who was nuts. So quick they were to forget that we have an 11-year-old son and a life we’ve built together since we were just out of our teens. We have been building a life together for 1/3 of the life I have, 1/3 of the life he has.

I can’t make those around me understand my situation, nor am I going to pull my hair out because I can’t get to where they are with it. Every now and then I remember that I started this blog just to vent and I am far too tired to make it pretty or more thoughtful. Maybe those that come here looking for “supporting friends reconciliation” won’t need something flowery though.

All they need to understand is that if you love and care for someone, you can do it conditionally or unconditionally. It won’t be easy if you choose the latter, but it’s the only way it’s going to last. People have reasons as to why they do things that we don’t understand or agree with but we can choose to disagree and not let it affect our relationship or we can say that isn’t possible and part ways. There is nothing in any of this that says we have to make someone who is sad or suffering feel worse about with what they are struggling because we are uncomfortable with their decisions.

And I suppose that’s where I am. Picking my flowers, leaving the poison ivy (of which I’m highly allergic) and realizing that life works out exactly the way it should. And people do, too.

Coaches as role models

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . May 28, 2011 . 3:46AM

Down at the little baseball diamond, the parents of little league players sit through most weather conditions on steel bleachers that are excruciatingly hot in the summer, freezing cold on those fall and spring evenings and when it rains? They can collect puddles with the best buckets made. We frequently trade stories of our kids, knowing glances, laughs as we yell something to our child and they turn around and glare at us and comments regarding basic social chitchat such as the weather. We are aware when a stranger is in our midst because we have parent-dar that zones in on the abnormal so that we can protect our children.

One morning, during a boiling little league extravaganza that watched us being blown away inning after inning, my stranger-dar went off. An elderly African-American gentleman was sitting and watching the game and he’d make little comments regarding stance and how the children were holding the bat. I smiled to myself as it occurred to me that he was a former coach watching the game and that none of these were his grandchildren. He was there for love of the game.

As I listened to his comments, men came up to him, one after another, with looks on their faces such as one might give a celebrity. Slack-jawed, excited, awed and amazed. “Do you remember me?” They addressed him with such reverence and each of them took the time to sit with him, reminisce, and then tell him how much he meant to them and what they were doing now. Some pointed out their own children in their brightly colored uniforms and, with smiles, let him know that their kids didn’t make the same baseball mistakes they did. No, sir.

What I saw was pure respect for this man. A man who’d coached little league for over 20 years, he’d tell me at another game. Some of his former players are doctors and lawyers and a few played in college. When the game was slow, he’d shake his head and look at me with an impish grin, “Don’t they know a hit is as good as a walk? What are they waiting for?” I laughed and agreed. At this stage in little league, there are few pitches worth hitting, but when they are there, I sure wish they’d go after them, too. The games are an hour and a half long and the parents are there diligently. Show us some action!

He still comes to the ballpark because he loves the games, he loves the kids and when he’s there, people treat him like a celebrity. He made a difference! Not a small difference, a huge difference. For 20 years he was a coach to some special kids who got to have him as a teacher, a role model, a friend, a counselor, a surrogate parent and a cheerleader. He wiped tears, encouraged them, taught them fundamentals and sportsmanship and left a lasting impression on these people that they haven’t forgotten.

They treat him with awe and they respect him. How many of us have adults that we revered as such when we were growing up? That we treat with such honor when we see them? He has at least 3 come up to him every game and he treats every one of them like they are the only one who has ever done it. He still makes them feel special.

I feel special just to be able to watch what he does and how he’s affected them.

How are you making a positive impact on the lives of children around you? Will they revere and respect you in 20 years? If not, what can you do to change it?

Solitude denied

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . August 12, 2010 . 2:22PM

Every now and then I tend to forget that my blog isn’t solely my blog. There are many of the most amazing people I’ve ever met or never met that stick their head onto this little piece of my soul and nibble on whatever I put out there to taste for flavor. Sometimes what is on the plate is delicious and insightful and leaves them happy, and hopeful and better for spending their time searching for nourishment among the many places they could look for that little something extra in their lives…however their lives may be. Sometimes…frankly it’s just leftovers. Some crust. A leftover thought that may have been worth sharing and building upon but something in my life has blocked it from my elaboration or my heartfelt need to push forward upon it and so I lay it on the plate and hope that somewhere they can see that there was love but the love was either so raw that it couldn’t be elaborated upon or it was just…enough.

And sometimes…we don’t need more than that. Sometimes, as people, we just need enough. So for today, I offer you my enough. Each of you makes me smile, think and realize things about myself that I would not otherwise realize. Thank you for enough.