by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . December 16, 2010 . 2:30AM
In life there are people that we are inexorably connected with by fate, life, bonds and binds. This happens with relative frequency…that life ties me to someone and we are connected not by mere friendship, rather we are tied at the heart. We do not just seek one another, no we cling to the energy in the air that allows us to find each other always.
by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . April 14, 2010 . 2:38PM
I know you may be tired of hearing how much I love my Mapco. I promise they don’t sponsor my blog, but if they did, I’d shout it even more. One of the advertising folks over there read the post about Bryan and my 1am adventure and sent me a very sweet note and a gas card as a thank you. It made my day. I’d post the note, but my phone camera just isn’t that great. It looks gorgeous, but doesn’t like Times New Roman. And my Mapco now has a Quiznos which means I can get my ham and swiss EVERY DAY. I love them. And they aren’t paying me to say that. I LOVE THEM. I believe in rewarding places that are clean, nice, well-stocked and helpful to me when I’m there. It’s capitalism, people! And now that they were more nice to me, I’ll go there even more often. Yes, I will.
Lately, I’ve had a lot of time to think and what I think is that being kind is underrated. The simple things in day to day life are making or breaking me the last couple of weeks and a nice word or gesture is really all it takes to salvage a day.
What I’ve also realized is that the little things in life that make a person miserable aren’t worth it and if something is toxic that it needs to be cut out like a boil. If you constantly find yourself feeling a certain way about a certain thing, a certain idea, or a certain person that makes you feel bad or unhappy, then, as painful as that is, sometimes you have to let go. Especially if you feel like you can’t confront the feeling head-on or support the person as they are.
But mainly, kindness is really really important. And if someone isn’t kind to you in your darkest of moments, move on. And when a gas company is, support them.
by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . January 2, 2010 . 5:11AM
With the new year, there inevitably come some feelings that propel change. The major one that I think affects most people is the feeling of loss. Generally, I would say that the loss of time is the one they feel most keenly. Hence, the influx of weight loss agendas and new year’s resolutions. People experience the feelings of time ill-spent and the terror of one less year to accomplish what they expected from their life and from their self.
A new year can be a blessing or a curse. For some of us, myself included, a new year is a chance to white the slate clean and start anew. A time for cleaning out the old issues and opening doors to something new seems to be a fresh start in what feels like a time of old hat dilemmas. In the last year, loved ones have been lost, children have been added, jobs have been lost/gained/relost/regained, personal misfortunes have been overwhelming and the kindness and generosity of others has been a beacon of light for those who are feeling lost.
This year, I wish for kindness. For all of you. In whatever form you may find it.
by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . December 12, 2009 . 2:13PM
Last night, I lay in bed for a long time and tried to think about writing this post and all the things that I wanted to say. It rarely happens, but the words aren’t there. 13 years ago I lost someone that was special on many levels to me. I thought I was ready to talk about it, but clearly it’s not the case because I’m generally quite open on here and this is something that I feel the need to hide and protect.
So, instead of telling you how I feel, I’m going to show you the pin he gave me a long, long time ago. It was important to him and through over 10 moves, it’s one of the few things I haven’t lost. Sometimes the heart has trouble letting go. I held the pin for hours last night trying to decide what to say to all of you. Instead, I said it to him.
Your Lucy still misses you so much. I'm still not able to let go.
by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . November 30, 2009 . 11:02AM
For Christmas, the year I turned 11, I got the surprise of my life. I’d been waiting for a dog for years. I hadn’t had one since I was little and living on the farm.
The last gift I opened said “This certificate redeemable for one puppy of your choice!”
Oh, the excitement and joy! I knew exactly what I wanted: a blonde cocker spaniel. My mother, who tends to hate animals, stipulated “this is an outdoor animal” while I cajoled and begged and pleaded.
On New Year’s Eve, we finally found him. The most beautiful blonde cocker spaniel puppy there ever was. He hid from everything and because of his introversion, I called him my little “Shadow.” Later, I realized that it was a name mostly reserved for black animals, but I was 11. Cut me some slack.
In a rule that I still think was completely moronic, I was required to spend an hour a day with Shadow. I didn’t mind the hour, but there were days it was freezing outside and this was not an easy task. When it was at the freezing point or raining, I could bring him into a shed we had in the back yard or into the garage. I remember holding him in my lap and stroking his long, soft ears for so many of those hours and, though he was an incredibly hyper dog, he let me.
My time got shorter as I got older and became more involved with school and work. I took my first real job at 15 and I had to “make up” the time on the weekends, when I could. This led to some days where I would attempt to entertain Shadow for four hours at a stretch and he grew weary of me.
As he grew older, the gate in our backyard did, as well, and he grew more mischievous. He began to break free of his jail more and more frequently and somehow, no one had enough time to fix the gate. I spent hours searching for him and thankfully, because he had a collar, we always managed to find him.
Until early one morning over the summer of my 18th year.
The phone rang and woke me out of a sound sleep. It was my grandmother and asked me if my dog was missing. I had no idea and looked out the backyard where I could see the gate standing wide open. We’d had a storm the night before and I had no idea how long it had been open. I swallowed the lump in my throat and said that yes, I thought he might be.
Her voice quivered and said that her neighbor had called and said a dog had been hit in front of her house. It had been grazed by a car and was still breathing, but it wasn’t going to make it. It wasn’t bleeding, but the collar had my name on it. Was it mine?
I couldn’t speak.
My grandmother said that animal control had been called to come get the dog and not to bother coming to see him. He wasn’t going to make it.
I still regret not coming to see him. I was such a coward. He lay there alone.
30 minutes later, I heard a knock on the door. A tall man stood there and gently removed his ball cap. His eyes filled with tears and he said, “I got your dog in my truck. He got hit by a car. He didn’t make it.”
I nodded mutely and stared at the words forming at his mouth.
“He ain’t bleeding or nothin’. He looks fine. You can see him if you want to.”
Tears spilled down my cheeks and I shook my head head softly from side to side.
“I’ll take good care of him, miss. They don’t always take good care of these dogs, you know, but I knew he was special, this one. You took real good care of him and groomed him and everything, didn’t ya? I’ll take care of him, myself. I’ll make sure he’s ok, miss.”
I tried to smile and croaked out a thank you as the tears continued to roll from my eyes. He nodded slightly and backed down the concrete steps. He took one last look to the back of his truck, where I knew my dog lay.
I couldn’t close the door until the truck was out of sight.
All dogs go to heaven. I can’t believe in a heaven that doesn’t have them. They are the most pure hearts besides children and if there is an all-encompassing creator, surely He loves the pure hearts. If He doesn’t, then what kind of heaven would it be? I don’t want to be anywhere that doesn’t have my dogs.
Sometimes I dream of petting long, soft ears…
Life is like a game. We all have challenges, thoughts, opinions and beliefs. Often, it feels like something out there, life, karma, catty people, or blue shells (for the Kart lovers), seeks to bring us down. Luckily, we always get up. This is where I wear my heart on my sleeve and my foot in my mouth.
Home