The life isn’t fair principle

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . March 17, 2012 . 9:41PM

As AJ grows older, it becomes more and more clear that he is not grasping a term that we lovingly call the “life isn’t fair” principle. Alanis Morrisette gave a nod to it in her 1990′s hit song, “Ironic,” and it is one of the hardest principles for kids to grasp as they move into that abstract stage of tweenage years from the concrete black and white stage of childhood. The life isn’t fair principle not only notes that there are times that other people will get more than you, but also they might get it unjustly. The key to the life isn’t fair principle is that, as a moralistic person, you acknowledge the principle, try harder, work longer, and keep going without biting their heads off or losing yours.

Tonight, as AJ is in his 11th year, we went to dinner. All day he has complained that his stomach hurts and it’s cramping and it “must be a growth spurt, Mama, ’cause I just can’t get full. I eat and eat and eat.” AJ thinks his mama doesn’t understand, but as a mom who went through many of those, her last at 21 years of age, I remember them well. For dinner, I asked him to eat a lot of protein to help fill him up and some fruit. He wrinkled his nose and asked about the free ice cream that McDougals offers. It’s a small 2 oz cup, the size of most sauce containers in sit-down restaurants. Lately, he has not been getting these small treats as I am watching my carbs and I’m not keeping things like that in the house. I grudgingly nodded and said if he ate all of his good food, he could have the small, 2oz cup of ice cream.

As we ate, we watched grown adults overload their cups to 4 times the amount of ice cream allowed, many of them laughing at their cleverness as they walked away. We continued to eat slowly and AJ cut his chicken and grumbled, but he ate it because there was ice cream at the end of this gray rainbow. However, when he was done, he happily jumped up to go to the ice cream machine, pulled out his cup and…nothing. There was no ice cream left. The sign blinked, “Freezing. Freezing. Freezing.”

He turned to me with an unhappy, accusatory glare. Leon and I had already eaten our ice cream because we hadn’t spent our time grumbling about eating healthy food. “Mom, it’s out!” He turned again and managed to get ice cream the size of a quarter out of the machine, but that was it. A group of college students who had just gotten full cups and hadn’t yet received their food, and who would likely be there after the ice cream had frozen, watched him carefully and I noticed a couple averted their eyes. I wondered to myself if all of those adults who had gleefully taken much more than their share would feel as gleeful if they saw AJ’s crestfallen face.

In the past, at times like these, I would have taken him out for ice cream elsewhere, but I can’t shelter him from this stuff. This is a minor disappointment, not a major one. I chose not to fix it. I said, “Bummer. Life isn’t fair.” Leon nodded and asked if we were ready to go. “I ate it in one bite!” AJ said unhappily. “Mom, all those people were filling their cups more than they were allowed and I didn’t get enough.”

AJ, that is just how life works sometime. Life isn’t fair. Sometimes, you eat the ice cream you get and move on. Maybe grumble a little less next time so you can get more. Or be ok with no ice cream this time and some ice cream next time. Life isn’t fair. However, there are plenty of folks that would kill for the life you have on most days. Their life isn’t fair, either. It’s going to be ok.

Next time we go, we still will not do our ice cream first. Belief systems are about hanging firm even when things don’t turn out the way you’d like. It’s a hard lesson. Life isn’t fair.

The best Valentine for a tired mom

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . February 18, 2012 . 1:59AM

The last few weeks have been tiring. I’ve been working on a dissertation, my internship, my teaching job and quite a few other things. I haven’t spent as much time just relaxing and enjoying my family as I would like, but it hasn’t been terribly stressful, either. There just hasn’t been much free time. The one thing that I was capable of remembering was that one of AJ’s favorite holidays was coming. AJ will tell you that Christmas is his favorite (because he loves his extended family time and his presents) followed by Halloween (because candy and costumes are awesome). However, even since AJ was a little guy he has loved Valentine’s Day.

AJ has always had a tender heart. We have also always included AJ in the Valentine’s celebration. He’s not a fan of giving valentines to everyone, but when it comes to celebrating those he loves? It’s on. This year, we were looking forward to truly spending time together. He’d asked for flowers because, “I’ve never gotten flowers from anyone, Mama.” So, instead of flowers, he got a bamboo plant that he could grow on his own. He looks at it and whispers to it the way I do my daisy plant. I know. It’s odd. But I’m telling you, it’s the only plant I’ve kept alive and that little bit of daily encouragement helps it grow.

He also got a new baseball helmet with his name airbrushed on it. I had no idea this was such a big deal, but my little cousin Lola did it, too! I expected a gift from my husband, but I didn’t expect anything but a hug from my sweet little guy. Or maybe a card. Some years he’s done a card. At 6:07am, on Valentine’s Day (probably lucky he waited that long), I felt a little hand shaking my shoulder and flowers were thrust in my face along with a huge box of chocolates. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Mama! I love you!”

I still haven’t stopped smiling. I took pictures of my flowers. We devoured chocolates together as a family. I told everyone I knew that my son thought of me. I found out, later, that he’d spent the money he’d gotten as a gift from his NeeNee to buy my presents. They were ever so much sweeter.

If you want to know how to get to someone’s heart, show pure love and no motivation for anything in return. AJ waits all year long to buy me flowers. Leon said that almost every time they go to the store that AJ asks to get me some. I’m a lucky mom.

I get Valentine’s Day every single minute of every single day that I get to spend with my son.

Being the bad mom allows me to be a good parent

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . December 20, 2011 . 4:33PM

Sometimes I have to do things that make me the bad mom in the house. Well, I’m the only mom in the house, but you get what I mean. AJ and I have a lovely relationship that is secure and that most moms strive for in their relationship with their kids. He tells me his thoughts, we communicate well and there is lots of love and there are boundaries that offer security in this home. He knows where we stand at all times and I strive to decrease any uncertainty he may have about issues in his life. In other words, I’m authoritative in my parenting style. Lots of love and attention, but strict boundaries that have consequences.

Late in November, we’d gotten word that AJ had done something that indicated immaturity on his part as well as bad decision-making. We struggled with how to handle the situation and felt overwhelmed as parents. In my line of work, it can be difficult to admit that you struggle with problems too, but the main thing is that it is always easier to be more objective and to help parse through someone else’s issues than your own. After careful reflection and many discussions, it was decided that AJ needed to spend time focusing on growth and development rather than facing punishments that were already proving ineffective for him such as grounding and taking away privileges. Besides those things, we would need to add some things that he disliked doing, beyond chores, that would encourage him to focus on bettering himself as a person and, hopefully, encourage him to focus on being his best self.

As such, for the last 3 weeks, AJ has not been allowed to watch tv, play video games or play with his friends outside of school. I understand that many would oppose the last one because kids don’t get enough time to play at school and they’ve been sitting in school all day. AJ is absolutely allowed to play by himself in our front or backyard as long as he likes. What we have removed is his opportunity to socialize in the hopes that he might spend that time learning about himself or just learn that silence is ok. He has not spent time on this principle in his entire life. He is allowed 30 minutes of computer time a night for homework or to send emails to family or to decompress. If he is too busy with other things to get it, he just misses it. Period.

Beyond removing those things, AJ has added the following things to his routine: increased amounts of reading time, exercising at the gym with his daddy most every day of the week, eating healthfully almost all of the time and going to bed almost an hour earlier than he was. These were not things AJ had ever embraced and his grades were faltering, he was struggling with his focus and he was not an energetic thoughtful child as he’d been most of his life.

When AJ learned of these changes, as most kids would, we became the bad mom and dad and how could we do this to him? He was angry with us. He was angry with himself.

What has happened 3 weeks later has been a wonderful change. Because of his extra reading time, in the last 3 weeks he has increased his AR goal in reading by 300 percent and has achieved scores of 100% on every test. His teachers are floored by this. When he comes home, he does chores without complaint. He likes to go to the library to get new books because reading is really the only thing he CAN do besides spend time with the dogs. He still complains about the gym and eating, but he’s working harder at both of them and starting to see results. And the going to bed early? He’s doing it on his own. He’ll take his shower and then tell us that he’s just going to go to bed early because he’s tired. Sometimes he’ll do this 30 minutes before his new bedtime.

What I have learned from this is that AJ only thinks he misses these changes. He is a more reflective child and the little things that he used to have all of the time mean more to him when he can have them. He is allowed 30 minutes of video games tonight for his achievement in AR. He didn’t demand it immediately as he would have done a month ago. Instead, he went upstairs to read until the television is free. In fact, he may even forget about it today.

I may leave this new policy open ended. When we decided on it, that was the plan. We were going to see how long it took to see maturity taking place or some sign of reflection or better decision making. I don’t expect too much from my 10-year old. I expect proper development, manners and respect. I love him desperately, but I am raising someone who will be a solid man when it comes time for that and I refuse to coddle him when I know he can do better.

And after 3 weeks, he’s showing progress. Extreme progress. And he’s happier for it. So where do I go from here? I think we are content with how things are. Am I still the bad mom? I don’t honestly know. Am I a good parent? I think so. He’s happy. He’s healthy. And he’s growing both mentally and physically. I can’t ask for more than that.