Heartbroken but not lost

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . June 7, 2010 . 10:53PM

The premise of this blog is that life moves on even though circumstance will try to take you down. The last several months have been a challenge, to say the least, and this weekend, in particular, was trying. I’m surrounded by good people, though, and I continue to remind myself that life will continue on even though it feels like everything ends at each particular point in time that I struggle.

I spent some time this evening reflecting and pushing myself out of my comfort zone and letting myself talk to others and be myself again and what I realized is that my struggle is not singular. If I’m having a bad weekend, someone else reading this is struggling as well. I want you to know that even if your heart is breaking, your body is aching, your mind feels lost and you feel fragile…you are not alone and someone cares deeply for you. The things that happen are hard and heart-breaking and stunning, but they are not the end for you.

Continue to grow and love and move forward. I’m going to try to do the same along with you.

Internet friends

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . March 25, 2010 . 10:30AM

At CPAC, every time you turned around you could find someone you knew.  By this I mean that if you didn’t know them personally, you would recognize them from television, their blog, twitter or from pictures with your friends.  For me, this meant that CPAC felt like one big family reunion.  I’ll admit it:  I felt like a cool kid. 
 
My friends and Leon’s friends were there and those that were not were keenly missed.  Though there were thousands of people there, you couldn’t wander around without seeing someone you knew.  Even online friends were instantaneous friends.  This is the nature of and the intricacy of internet friendships.  You spend so much time speaking with someone online that it builds an immediate sense of comraderie and bond. 
 
This is not always a positive thing.  I’m fully aware of stalking and the like.  In this case, it was a delightful experience.  Please be careful who you talk to online.
 
By the end of CPAC, we’d formed our own mini-group.  The group was consulted before meals and definitely before going out in the evening.  Like-minded people who enjoy spending time together and who are at the same event sharing food:  what could be better? 
 
One evening, we headed out to get a very late bite.  Some of the participants wished to get a drink and we headed on to the bars on the strip to find a place to eat and settle down to talk for the night.  After walking for what seemed like an inordinate amount of time, but what was really only around a couple of blocks, we found the place that 3 different iphones had placed as THE place to be for the evening.  As we started to head in the door, with all of us pulling out our IDs, there was a problem.  Caleb’s license has expired.
 
Caleb is well beyond the legal age.
 
Caleb looks like a logger.  Caleb looks like his picture.  Caleb’s picture ID states that he is above the legal age.  The kid at the door, who couldn’t have been all that much above legal age himself, refused Caleb entry.  He stated that it was the “new thing” for kids to use outdated IDs to get into bars.  Clearly, the ID was Caleb’s.  The kid again refused and stated that “in the DC stings bars were being busted for things just like this.”  At this point, Caleb’s brother Ben came to his defense and we left after words were exchanged. 
 
Be aware.  You might not be who you really are.
 
The silver lining was that the experience bonded the group even further and we returned to the hotel where we started and the bar and restaurant there.  This was also the place I’d suggested in the first place.  Before the walking and the argument.  To say I was smug would be true.  But we had a great “war story” and the group had a great evening. 
 
Yes, internet relationships are interesting.  I’ve met some of the best people of my life on the internet.
 
Here is to meeting many, many more.

Facebook friends

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . December 18, 2009 . 9:43AM

I’ve never done well with keeping friends for long periods of time. I think much of this has to do with several integral factors in my life. I grew up on a farm and, most of that time, I played on my own. I’m also highly introverted, by nature, and I often prefer my own thoughts to the thoughts of others. It’s not that I don’t care what you think, it’s just that the noise in my own head is so strong that your noise would be overwhelming. I like quiet and solitude and small groups of people. I like to go out, but infrequently. My profession is one-on-one and that connection is important to me in so many ways. It fits me.

It never occurred to me that the people I’d left along the way weren’t really gone. For the longest time I was such a black and white thinker that I’d written those relationships off as lost to me.

And then I found Facebook. Because I’m an introvert, social networking draws me like flies to honey. I can speak to people quickly and efficiently, which also hits my firstborn tendencies, and feel like I’m connecting without losing the energy that I lose in face-to-face interaction.

And then I started exploring.

And found the little girl from down the farm road that I used to play with often. I road my green bike with the banana seat to her house frequently. And not only did she remember me, but she was delighted to hear from me. We still had the connection that we had even then.

And I found the first friends I had when I finally started elementary school. And then those when I moved to a new town.

I found my first group of friends from middle school. We were so close for those four years. It was like we picked up where we left off. The best friendships are always like that, aren’t they?

I found my high school best friends and my college best friends. I found people who weren’t best friends, but that I like more as adults than I did as children. They have grown into amazing people that I love.

Through other social networking sites I have found people that I love more and more each day.

For me, I think it was just a reminder that, though there are times I feel alone and have certainly felt alone in the past, I never was. They were with me. They missed me. They were there.

And they still are.

Prom and bad 90s hair

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . November 6, 2009 . 10:57AM

Other events that were important to my life coincided with the break-up with green eyes. One of the miracles of my life happened right before my junior prom in the form of a teeny, tiny preemie. Livvy, my only sibling and 16 years my junior, came into the world with serious struggles. When I finally got to hold her, through an incubator, she fit into the palm of my medium-sized hands. Rarely have I loved a person so much in my life and they were taking her from me. Our small town was not equipped to handle preemies and she would have to go to a larger hospital. It would be her home, and that of my mother and step-father, for many months. I will always be thankful to the Ronald McDonald house for allowing my mother to be with my sister.

Livvy was born three weeks before my junior prom. As such, my mother didn’t have time to go dress hunting with me or even see me before my junior prom. Thankfully, my aunt stepped in and green eyes and I had a fine night. I think. I don’t remember much of it because there was so much emotional turmoil around that time, both with his absence and Livvy’s health.

Livvy eventually came home and green eyes eventually drifted away and a new normal came to me. It wasn’t without much resistence on my part, however. I lost 30 pounds simply because I wasn’t interested in eating. I was depressed and had lost interested in most everything and everyone around me. I was starting to finally feel like myself when I developed what felt like the worst cold ever. My nose started dripping like a faucet and I’d rubbed the thing raw. My best friend, at the time, was a boy we later determined was related to me somehow. He and I went to Wal-mart, where I worked (I have SO many stories about that place) and saw the new guy stocking the shelves. A cute new guy. One I’d only seen in passing while we were zoning the area at night. I’d been lucky enough to help him a couple of times.

I’d never been a forward kind of girl. I’m shy, especially where my looks are concerned and even with the weight loss, I was sure he wasn’t interested in me. Nevertheless, I went up to him with my dripping, peeling nose and started talking to him. He talked back and seemed amused by what I was saying. Eventually we made a date. One date turned into several and we dated on and off, though mainly on, throughout my senior year of high school. He was a few years older than I was and was very different from the guys I went to school with. He introduced me to “No diggity” (which is still one of my favorite songs) and was probably one of, if not THE nicest person I’ve ever dated. He also took me to Olive Garden for the first time in my 17 years.

I don’t know anyone that didn’t like Aaron. He made friends with all of my friends and the people at work adored him. The girls at work really adored him. He kept his eyes on me. I felt adored. His sister and brother felt like my family. I thought a lot of them and still do. I have no idea what my senior year would have been like if his kind spirit hadn’t been a part of my life. My family was dealing with a lot of issues, not just a new baby. He was there for me and I will always appreciate that about him.

He was also my prom date that year. Strangely enough, I remember most everything about that night. I remember sitting in the chair at my salon and watching my stylist place mini-flowers in my hair and wondering if they looked Asian enough. Would Aaron like them? Was it too much? Were my bangs too high? The answer to the bang question was YES, THEY WERE TOO HIGH.

I remember the moment he saw me and the smile he gave me. I remember that his hands are really strong and when he held mine to walk me into the convention center that I couldn’t stop smiling. We sat with our friends and there was much dancing and laughing. When prom was over, we went to a friend’s house and, in my typical party animal fashion, I promptly fell asleep on the couch.

I’m a winner.

Three weeks later, I broke up with him for a guy who truly believed that there is a dark side and he was a jedi knight. I still have a lot of guilt about this and I’m so, so sorry, Aaron. It was among the most stupid decisions I’ve ever made. I’m a firm believe that things turn out the way they should, though, and I’m really glad that we are still friends. You were the best prom date ever.

Talking in bed: Or what he endures

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . August 12, 2009 . 1:21PM

After almost 10 years of marriage, there are some unspoken, well-established events that occur in our home that just happen without us having to discuss them. I’m sure this is true for most couples, but I think I lean towards the quirky, just a little bit, and Leon endures the quirky side because it makes him laugh. Even when he’s exhausted.

For the duration of the marriage, he and I have always been on different schedules. I’m a night owl who can often be found doing homework or catching up on hobbies, like writing my blogs, at 3am. He is a morning person who dislikes waking up after 10am and often wants to be asleep by 11pm. Every single night he is asked “Why do you have to do that sleep thing? Hang out with me!!!” Because, really, who wouldn’t rather hang out with their wife than catch up on some zzzz’s, right?

So, as we are on different schedules and Leon’s job often requires that he work at home, as well as work, I often feel bereft that we haven’t had enough time to truly connect during the day. As such, when I get to bed, I’ll poke his shoulder.

You read that right. I purposely wake him up. Then I grin the most cherubic grin ever and say, “Hi, Leon!” He will sleepily open one eye, grin a bewildered grin and say, “Hi, baby” and depending on how tired he is do one of two things 1/say “I’m sleepy” and attempt to go back to sleep or 2/give me a hug and humor my need for conversation for about 5 minutes before he’ll say “I’m sleepy” and go back to sleep.

What’s even funnier about this situation is that we can have full, deep, meaningful conversations in 5-minutes about topics that most couples won’t bridge in waking hours. And Leon might even remember them in the morning. And I will most likely get the truth without all that logical, analytical crap clouding his mind when he’s sleepy.

Before you start thinking mean and stingy thoughts about what a selfish, needy wife I am, I want to clarify that this is not a one-way street. My husband likes that connection as well.

I’m a night reader. I always have been. Since the age of 8 or so, my mom would give me a book and let me read until I could sleep. That habit has followed me and my insomniatic self since I was young (yes, I know it isn’t conducive to good sleep habits), so I often lay in bed reading for hours.

Leon will roll over, gently peek out to see if I’m there reading, and if I am and he wants to talk, I’ll know it because he’ll start rubbing my shoulder and I’ll hear “Hey, baby.”

No, we aren’t a conventional couple. But we connect on the important issues and we have fun doing it.

Excuse me, I need to go wake up my husband.