10-year old Ashlynn Conner commits suicide

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . November 14, 2011 . 5:40PM

This is my kneejerk reaction, so I don’t know if this will be a well-thought out post that elicits the response of “thank you and I appreciate what you wrote.” I am ok with this. Right now, I keep repeating to myself, and over and over, “This is not ok. This is not ok. This is not ok.” I’m angry and no, this is not ok.

My son, AJ, is 10 years old. He is in the fifth grade.

Ashlynn Conner was 10 years old and in the fifth grade. Ashlynn’s mother reported that, last Thursday, Ashlynn came home from school and asked to be placed in homeschool because other children called her fat, a slut and bullied her constantly. Ashlynn’s mother declined, as most mother’s I know would. Unlike most mothers I know, she did not press the issue further. The following morning, Ashlynn’s sister found her hanging from a scarf in her closet.

I’m about to get judgmental and self-righteously angry. If that kind of behavior bothers you or you want to play the “no blame” game where the lives of children are concerned because the people who knew her are being punished enough right now, you should probably stop reading.

Ashlynn’s mother, Stacy, notes that Ashlynn had come home crying from school two weeks ago because kids were taunting her. She states that she “thought her kids were strong kids” implying that kids that can’t handle bullying are weak and that her own daughter, who committed suicide, wasn’t strong because she couldn’t handle what was coming at her because Stacy’s “guidance” should have been stronger than the constant barrage of nastiness coming at her at school. I want to challenge that statement with perhaps her daughter didn’t feel supported in any environment.

Stacy noted that kids both at school and in their neighborhood bullied Ashlynn and called her ugly and she hopes that Ashlynn’s story will prevent other kids from being bullied. What stopped this mother from preventing her own child from being bullied? What allowed her to step back and let kids in the neighborhood and in her school overtake adult sensibilities and prevent her from protecting her child in her learning environment, at the very least? How does allowing the death of her child to protect others absolve her from how very little she did to protect her child?

I understand Stacy is hurting. Never, in anything she tells the press, did anything she say indicate to me that she took any measure to protect her child. It takes a lot for a child to come to a parent begging to be removed from a school environment. I don’t pretend I know what kind of child Ashlynn Conner was. I don’t know if she was a dramatic child who overemphasized everything, but I highly doubt that there were no signs that this child was struggling, especially considering her mother admitted to them. There are national laws preventing bullying in school systems. Where was this child’s teacher? Where was this child’s school staff? Where was the communication between them and the parent? You can try to justify to me that a teacher has 30 students, but not every teacher in this child’s day had no time to notice what was going on if she was being called “fat,” “ugly,” and a “slut.”

Someone explain this to me, because I don’t understand why no one is being called on the inattention to her cries for help or the inaction by any adult in the life of this 10-year old child. On a personal note, my son left his last school, on the last day of school, with his school tshirt covered in black marker thanks to two bullies in his class. I immediately contacted his principal and informed him that the teacher was notified and she did nothing. I also let him know that she’d been notified that these two children had continued to bully my son throughout the year and she’d promised me that she was “taking care of it.” I was aware of the school bullying policy and the national laws regarding bullying and that he was welcome to call me to discuss it. That teacher was not asked back to teach this year.

This year, my son started school and one of those two children was in his class and immediately started the same issues. I contacted the teacher and stated that I would like a conference with her regarding this. Within 30 minutes of school starting the following morning, both boys were in the guidance office and the issue was fixed. I can’t discuss why the other boy bullies, as it has to do with his own personal issues, but he does not bully my son or the other children at that school anymore. I stepped in when his guardian wouldn’t due to her inattention or unwillingness because I have to protect MY child.

Being an interactive parent is one of the most important parts of parenting. There is no excuse for not being an interactive parent. I have as many irons in the fire as anyone I know, and if you read this blog, you understand why. I am as involved in my son’s life as I can be, even on the days where I don’t get home until it’s time for him to go to bed.

Not every parent has the proper skills for parenting. To me, that is not a get out of jail free card when you fail your children. It does not mean that you use your story as a warning to other parents to absolve yourself. It means you buck up and take the punishment when you fail them so miserably that you’ve caused neglect through inaction or death through negligence. Where were the school counselors? Where was the mental health help here?

Absolutely, use Ashlynn Conner’s death as a warning to other parents, but don’t let this slip into just another story we forget next week. Use it to promote better policies and procedures in school. Force interaction between staff and parents. Use it to promote outreach to parents on protocol when their child is bullied and for the sake of all this is good, parents and teachers, bullying is ZERO TOLERANCE. Don’t toe the line with it. Little bullies grow up to be big bullies.

Edit: Another 10 year old girl, this one from North Carolina, has hanged herself. Jasmine McClain hanged herself on Monday after being bullied badly in school and, apparently, on Facebook (it’s possible that the sheriff just noticed kids coming forward to comment on the abuse on Facebook). She had left her school for a while to escape the bullying, but returned a month ago. Her mother says she was “unaware that Jasmine was so tormented.” Again, in this situation, I have no idea how someone claims to be unaware after removing her child from school and only allowing her back last month. I’ve already backed my opinions up in the comments, though, so please read those if you would like to fricassee me for being upset with the mother in this case. If parents and school administration are not prompted at this point to take a hard stand about bullying TODAY, AT THIS INSTANT, then we as a society need to force the issue. ENOUGH. No one is allowed to claim ignorance about this anymore. No one is allowed to blame others. We must address this and it must happen now.

Also, I saw this while I was reading last night and I thought to myself, “If this is what our special needs kids are dealing with we need to flush out our schools completely and start over.”

Edit: 11/20/11 Excellent information on what a parent whose child is being bullied can do. I found this on Suicide Prevention Lifeline, which is an amazing website. Please go look around on there. They have warning signs, a pledge to stop bullying, and a few other things that are tied to this specific topic. Plus, they are a good site to have on hand with the rate of suicide in our country.

Edit: 12/16/11 Jerome Sattler, considered a founding father where school psychology is considered because he writes the books that are considered the “bibles” for the profession, has done a great public presentation on bullying/cyber bullying that I highly recommend. You can find it here at the psychology page for San Diego State University where he is a Psychology Professor.

I hope not….

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . April 20, 2010 . 8:49PM

So, I went to the ladies room at school and this was posted in not one, but 2 places in the restroom the size of a small walk-in closet. Duly noted.

Practicum = apprenticeship

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . September 30, 2009 . 1:05PM

Part of me longs for the “good ole days.” The other part of me, the part that loves her migraine meds and air conditioning wants to smack that longing part in the face. However, there is something about the way things used to work that appealed to me. Old school courtship rituals, propriety (of which I have an utter lack) and learning skills by apprenticeship are all things that intrigue me.

Often, usually when I’m most fed up with my education and the book-learnin’ aspect of getting a doctorate, I feel the longing inside me for a simpler time. I’ve discussed this repeatedly with my supervisor at my office. I often wish that I could just observe her and soak up her knowledge like a sponge. The woman is a genius.

I feel the same about my practicum supervisor. I see how she works with children and how she draws them to her. She has them complete tasks, like a wizard of achievement testing, and I’m in awe. These people are in their element and they are good at what they do. I know why I need to be in school, but I’d much rather watch these people, full-time, and learn from them.

My education is important to me. When I’m not learning something, I grow moody (no comments from the peanut gallery) and I will start grabbing anything I can get my hands on to learn. If I’m out of school for too long, I start feeling worthless. I have things to work on in regards to how I relate my education to my feelings of self.

But I’d rather just watch and learn hands on. I think I’m just being pulled in too many directions this semester, and several of my classmates have expressed the same. Fall break can’t come soon enough.

Maybe I should have been a shoe cobbler?

One of the teachers who changed my life

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . August 20, 2009 . 10:40AM

Back in high school, I had a teacher who changed my life. How often have you heard that line? How often have you said it? For me, I’ve been lucky enough to say it aout more than one teacher. I’ve been lucky enough to say it about elementary school, middle school was something of a bust, high school, community college, undergrad, and grad school. I’ve also had life teachers that have changed my life outside of the school setting. My mentors in life have been truly amazing.

This story, though, is about a high school teacher who did something extraordinary in a moment of frustration.

I was either a sophomore or a junior in high school and taking a required history course. I’ll call my teacher Mr. Smith, but he has an extremely distinguished name and he has done so much for the small community that I grew up in, that if you googled him, you’d find him. I’m not sure he wants to be found. He’s a small treasure to be sure. But this is my memory, not his memoir and so he is Mr. Smith.

Every day, Mr. Smith came in and tried to teach a room full of students, who were taking a required course, that history is fundamental, important and interesting. For the record, history is interesting to me, but I was 15 or 16 and had other things on my mind. However, I did look forward to Mr. Smith’s class every day. His personality was such, that you felt like you were in on some secret knowledge by listening to what he had to say.

However, our environment wasn’t the best. We didn’t have air conditioning in the school and we had old school radiators in the classrooms. Often, in the summer, it was sweltering and in the winter it was freezing. It was hard to concentrate and when the school had big events, like homecoming, prom, or big sports events, students had a hard time focusing on their education.

The day I’m thinking of was one such day. As usual, Mr. Smith had poured his heart into his class, and, for whatever reason, we couldn’t focus. I remember feeling more tired than usual and being irritated that the class wouldn’t be quiet so I could zone out a bit. After 15 minutes of attempting to gain our attention, I saw something that I had never seen before and I never saw again.

Mr. Smith lost his temper. In a big way.

He slammed his book down on the desk and wailed on us. This was our education and we couldn’t be bothered to be present in his class. He’d put quite a bit into his work that day and this information was going to be on our next test. However, we were being rude and insolent and he’d had enough. So, he was going to sit down and he wanted to know which of us would be willing to teach the class, because he wasn’t going to do it.

There were crickets in that classroom. No one said a word. Mr. Smith had never raised his voice, let alone throw a temper tantrum.

I looked around and 2 things occurred to me: 1/no one was going to volunteer 2/I was just enough of a smart-aleck to do it.

I raised my hand, stood up and went to his overhead projector. I heard him say “Jillian, excellent. It’s good to see that someone is willing to step up for all of you. I look forward to hearing what you have to say.”

This is a fatal flaw within myself. I still do it to this day. If a teacher asks a question, and no one in the classroom will answer, I will try, even if I fail miserably. I can’t stand letting the teacher hang or letting the class hang. I’m working on that first-born responsibility mentality.

Honestly, I don’t know what kind of job I did that day. I knew the material and I did my best.
After class, Mr. Smith came up to me and said, “Jillian, that was impressive. Have you considered being a teacher?” I told him I hadn’t, but that I enjoyed it. He let me know he was impressed with my moxie and appreciated what I had done with his class.

I never saw him lose his temper again and the class was attentive from that point on. My self-esteem received a great boost that day.

Last Spring, I taught my first undergraduate class. I carried Mr. Smith’s words with me every day, especially on the hard ones. Most especially on the days my class was inattentive or the class was hot or cold.

Teachers…mentors…who has changed you life?

Being blueshelled : how to cope

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . July 13, 2009 . 3:43PM

I’m so excited! I’m so excited! I’m so….scared!!! If you know what that’s from, you get 5 pop culture points. For those of us who grew up in the 80s and 90s, you know exactly what I’m talking about and to say that life has been one big ball of Jessie Spano losing her marbles lately is an understatement. This is all to say that life just got really complicated really quickly and here’s why: school. Yep. That’s it. School.

It’s rare that I talk about school-related stuff because the majority of you out there aren’t in school, or, if you are, you have your own problems. Translation: You don’t give a monkey’s Heineken about my problems. And that’s cool. I probably wouldn’t either.

What happened was that I was taking one, full summer course. It met one night a week from 5-9. That’s not a problem. I can handle it. Then, summer term II came around and added a second class. However, since it’s only ONE summer term, it means that the class must meet 2 nights a week. Are you still with me? The gist is that I am now in school from 5-9, 3 nights and week and the overall effect is that A.J. is gone those days because of the problems between my schedule and Leon’s. I’m finding it hard to focus.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still paying attention and I’m in class. When you get to the level I’m at in my education, you can’t avoid paying attention or you will fail. I just miss him. And it’s not healthy for him to not see me for 3 days straight in a week. He’s gone before I’m up in the morning and in bed before I get home. I hate it.

But it’s only a month. And until then, I’ll be ok. Remember, a blue shell isn’t permanent. It’s temporary. Every now and then I have them and so do you. I know this probably isn’t my most insightful or my best post, but I felt obliged to let you know what was going on and why things had been different lately. Bottom line: I’ve been blueshelled. Now it’s time to pull out the stops and get back on top.