Why sometimes it is better to give in to the small things

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . July 17, 2011 . 6:43PM

As I noted in the post prior to this one, this summer has been little fun for me and, really, for anyone living in this household. Stress and tension are overwhelming and even our mini-vacation back to Illinois was more stress and tension and what felt like a lot of pressure in what was supposed to be an easy-going week back home. AJ and I have been struggling to find our way this summer and it feels like we are navigating in a pressure cooker. I have been sensitive to this in the past week and have really been trying to get both of us out of the house and doing things to alleviate some of this build-up.

Lately, for at least two hours a day, I have studied for a test that is coming up next weekend. So, instead of letting him do other things, I asked AJ to come to the library with me and read a book that he has enjoyed in recent weeks. Generally, this would provoke whining and upset, but because of the melancholic timbre of the summer this very peculiar year, he has been delighted to sit in the cool, quiet alcove of the well-lit library on their comfortable leather couches and soak in the atmosphere of the library. When he heard we would not be going yesterday, because it was Saturday and they’d be closing early, he was disappointed that he would not finish his book in the calm demeanor he’d become accustomed.

I have not lavishly spoiled him to make up for the loss of a summer of fun. AJ isn’t entitled to a summer of fun just for being a kid. There are parents that will disagree with me on that statement, but the truth of the matter is that no one is entitled to anything other than safety, love, a full belly and a warm/cool place to sleep. I give my child all of those things, lots of attention and affection, plenty of cool gadgets and he does get to do fun things, but he doesn’t go on lavish vacations and we don’t spend a lot of money making sure every single day overstimulates him to the point where I no longer like who he is as a person. When I meet a parent who does, I often find it difficult to be friendly with both the parent and the child because of the expectations they have as to how people will treat them; Rather, how they feel they are entitled to be treated.

Besides studying yesterday, I planned a small outing to the Nashville Farmer’s Market. I’d never been and AJ and I had gone to the adorable one near our house the other day. He’d studied a pattypan squash and liked it because it looked like a UFO. He’d picked up several other vegetables that I could not identify, to his amusement and to my dismay. I thought that, perhaps, a trip to the market where he could look to his heart’s delight and I could learn about the vegetables might be fun for both of us. They also had a flea market and AJ loves to look at trinkets. Garage sales may be his favorite events on earth.

When we got there, I handed AJ the $6 he’d earned by doing chores every day this week and told him that he could spend it, but carefully and not on junk. Immediately, he focused on a large adults watch with a disastrous amount of bling and a large money sign on it. It was a glowing green color and also came with a large $$ necklace. I bit my lip and hoped that it would be too expensive. Despite my better judgment, I told him he could not ask how much it was and pulled him away from the bling ensemble. As we continued to walk around, he found another necklace he desperately wanted. It was hematite, shiny, and looked like it had a shark’s tooth attached to it. It was gaudy and awful and I knew he wanted it more than anything. Again, against my better judgment, I told him he could not ask how much it was.

My inability to understand his want of shiny, blingy jewelry was too much. His jaw set, he marched ahead of me to the food market and the day was ruined. The shark necklace might have been $2. We continued to argue about it for the next hour. As I picked up tomatoes, peaches, cucumbers and oranges, I thought to myself and wondered if the argument was truly worth it. The money was his and while I knew he’d be happy when he’d saved enough to buy a larger toy, AJ is 10 years old. He wants immediate gratification despite the costs. Even though I’d explained that I did what I thought was best, was it worth the cost? Was the loss of that necklace worth the upset between us and the upset of our day together? The event was planned to offset some of the negativity of the summer. Surely, if he wanted a $2 necklace that he was going to buy with his own money, it wasn’t worth this.

I made a mistake. Adults do it. We decide we know what’s best and we hold firm to in the idea of good parenting practices. Usually, in this vein, we are correct in what we are doing and it is better for our children. However, “don’t sweat the small stuff” is a cliche for a reason, as are all cliches. In this case, my not giving in hurt AJ’s decision-making process and our camaraderie for the day. In the big scheme of things, was that necklace important? To me, it wasn’t. To him, it was. To us, it was. Giving in would have made the difference in how he felt about our time together. We had a large discussion about how material things should not affect our time together and how arguments do. Ultimately, I think we both learned a lot.

Next time, I’ll do better. A small thing is a small thing and day-ruining arguments are best saved for the things that really matter.

Why isn’t a bachelors degree enough

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . June 22, 2011 . 7:41PM

Being in the fields I’m in professionally, I hear a lot of people that are upset in regards to the economy. I think they are probably feeling that way with some righteous judgment, at the same time, there is a sense of entitlement that comes from the folks with a bachelors degree. I’ve often heard, “I have a bachelors degree! I should be able to get a job without trouble and instead I’m battling people that barely have a high school diploma. I was told that the key to getting a job when I was an adult was the bachelors degree. Why is this so hard?”

Well, probably for quite a few reasons.

The bachelors degree isn’t the magic key to having a job. No degree is in an economy where jobs are scarce and even Mcdonalds isn’t hiring as many as are willing to work there. Here is what you don’t want to hear. Your degree isn’t worth as much as it used to be. Plenty of people get degrees that don’t deserve them or don’t have the skills a degree purports, so a degree doesn’t mean as much as it used to.

I know, it’s sad. It’s painful. It’s true.

What I know is that students can no-show to classes most of the semester and beg amnesty and in most cases, they can get it. Colleges now don’t want to be known as “hard” or they lose tuition money and the goal is student retention, even if it means giving in to students that don’t deserve it. An unexcused absence is almost always overlooked and students that don’t deserve an A, B, or C and truly deserve the D or the F, will generally get a better grade if they ask a professor for clemency. Why? Because adjuncts have little flexibility when it comes down to what they can say no to and remember, the goal is to retain students.

Fine. We can blame the adjuncts, of which I’m one, but then we also need to remember that schools will accept just about anyone and as long as they meet requirements, they get to graduate. Ds get degrees. So, when those D degrees go out for employment, they can say they have their bachelors just like those that got A-degrees.

The government has made it much easier now to go to school. Everyone can get loans. Not everyone can pay them back, but everyone can go. That has made the market saturated with people with bachelors degrees. According to Factcheck.org and the Census Bureau, 27% of the population has at least a bachelors degree. Welcome to your competition. It’s not a status symbol anymore. It’s also not necessarily a sign of hard work (see above paragraph) or intelligence. It is a sign that you met the requirements. People can get college credit in pickleball (Oh my gosh, do I love pickleball, but that’s another blog post). If I can get 2 college credits for playing pickleball, what indication does that have that I’m a well-rounded, intelligent person?

Lastly, the jobs that are available don’t necessarily need a bachelors degree. What I’ve seen are a bunch of overqualified people scrambling for jobs that are beneath their status because there are no jobs available. Yes, I know you are overqualified to file papers and answer the telephone, however, that is what is available. People in their 50s are now delivering pizza to make ends meet. People with doctoral degrees are wondering if they will make retirement.

Why isn’t a bachelors degree enough? Because there isn’t enough work for everyone to go around. Of course we could stir things up by bringing up illegal immigration, our country’s debt, extreme outsourcing or other reasons why there might not be enough jobs available, but the bottom line is that there aren’t the funds for the people that need them, we have a number of baby boomers that can’t leave the jobs they have to make room for others to take them because they aren’t financially secure enough to retire, and people that start working a lot earlier and are qualified to do more things thanks to the advancement of technology.

It doesn’t get better, it gets worse. Things have to change. This is why your bachelors isn’t enough. Now, the question is what do you do about it?

Book Review: Sisters of the Sari by Brenda L. Baker

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . June 22, 2011 . 7:18PM

This summer seems to have been the summer of reading in this house and I couldn’t wait to read this book. In the same vein of going on a trip and having a life experience that I found in “Eat, Pray, Love,” Sisters of the Sari by Brenda L. Baker is one of those books that will grab you and transport you off to India to live in someone else’s shoes for a little while.

Kiria is a Canadian CEO who decides to take a vacation to the non-touristy spots in India. What she finds is that people are all too willing to fleece a white tourist and, after losing her luggage, what she really wants are clean clothes and a little bit of understanding. She finds it in Santoshi, an Indian woman who gives her the last of her money so she can travel back to her hotel. In her quest to repay Santoshi, she discovers that her life has not been as cut and dry as she imagined and that there is much left to be discovered about herself and about others.

First, let’s hit the plot. I was intrigued and entertained by the plot throughout the story. Ms. Baker winds a tale nicely and vividly. Both the setting and characters were well drawn and secondary characters were nicely used to help flesh out the important aspects of the novel. My one complaint is that I feel like I ended the book not knowing or understanding Kiria any better than when I started. In other words, her dynamics didn’t feel like they changed much to me nor did I think she came to much understanding of herself. Yes, she absolutely went to huge lengths (without giving away too much of the plot here) to help others and do great things, but when we end the book, I feel like she herself has changed very little, quite honestly. Elements of who she was were there from the beginning and her growth was not strong. Nor was that of Santoshi. Perhaps the greatest growth came from Laxmi, who was a secondary character who realizes that even in a culture that does not support women’s liberation, you can have it all and you can be happy.

Overall, I truly enjoyed reading this book. It hit on the cultural issues I found lacking in other books regarding Indian tradition and culture (fiction novels, that is) and I enjoyed the characters. More depth in them would have been nice, but not everyone wants a character who goes beyond the surface level to scratch deep. A very nice summer read that went by quickly.

Disclaimer: I received a free copy of this book in order to review it. Thanks!