Are you done with politics?

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . November 3, 2010 . 12:48AM

Tonight has been a night full of election coverage and, while I’ve spent hours upon hours watching I realized…I’m bored. What better time, then, to update my blog as well as focus on something that is relatively within my control and something else that people hate to hear about: exercise?

So, about a month ago, something in me just changed. I can’t describe it because one day it was different than it has been. Generally, I get into a fit about how I look and decide “this is it, I’ve had it” and decide to go to the gym. It works out for a couple of weeks and then I’m back to couch surfing for a bit. Last year, as well as the year before, I’d done really well and lost quite a bit of weight. Ultimately, I’ve been quite happy about my looks. October, though, is the month of self-reflection for me and has been for the last few years. I tend to hermit myself away, avoid contact with people and focus on what is going on with my immediate needs and those of the people in my household. It gives me time to grieve my losses, work on my schoolwork and decide what needs to be changed. It’s not easy on my friends, though, because I ultimately tend to close myself off from them. It’s not the best coping strategy and it only works for me because of my introverted nature.

During my “month of internal reflection” something changed inside of me. I was thinking about some of my long-term goals after graduation and realized that where I am is in no way conducive to where I want to be in a year and a half. I may be happy with my body and healthy, for the most part regardless of societal standards, but if I want to pick up the martial arts and the dance lessons and all those things that I have in my future, I need to make changes. Unfortunately, this “click” happened in the month of apathy. The month where I do nothing. The month where I’m essentially in hiding. What was I supposed to do?

I stayed in hiding with the exception of making some changes. I met with my trainer and we set up a plan. I have daily goals and most days I actually do them. My goal was to hit the gym seven days a week. I’m hitting it 4-5. I used to have trouble walking from the parking lot on campus to my building. I’m now doing either 45 minutes of cardio or weights and cardio every day (mostly).

I’ve noticed that I have some weird quirks. If you don’t wipe down your machine, I’m going to give you a nasty look until you notice how I’m looking at you; this is especially true if I’m the next person who needs that machine on my circuit. If the pulse meter isn’t working on a machine I’m going to be grumpy and need Lady Gaga. This is not optional. Slow songs will slow my pulse. Therefore, yes, I like to listen to Britney Spears while I workout and don’t think for one second I don’t know that the people around me are listening to her, too. If I can see a woman’s sports bra or it’s clear she’s showing off the goodies, I’m judging her. Same goes for the boys. There is no reason your clothes should ever be that tight. Let your body breathe.

Ultimately, my change in behavior and thinking is changing A.J.’s, too. He’s started to talk about better nutrition and taken to swimming and running more frequently. He was disappointed in chicken nuggets the other night and thought that he “should have had the grilled chicken.” He’s starting to make better choices and guzzling water like a hummer drinking down the gas. For a child who would live on McDonald’s if I allowed it, these changes are not small things. When I took Sophie on a walk yesterday (my day off of the gym), he wanted to come walk with us. When I noted that he couldn’t keep up, he was personally offended.

Next time, I’ll let him come.

There are little things that I’m noticing about myself that are changing, too, besides the easy weight loss. There is the pride when I do the small increases in weight/tension on my weights. The happiness when I don’t feel like I’m dying on the elliptical. The smiles when I realize that I’m going longer and longer without needing the water during my exercise routine. The disbelief when I note that I’ve listened to my Zune player through almost a whole song and not noted that my side hurts or I’m walking or anything beyond the lyrics to the song going through my head. Lastly, the exhilaration when I push through a particularly difficult weight routine (overhead press!) and those last 3 reps don’t overcome me. I overcome them.

I am thanking God every day for Panera, Chick-fil-a and Subway because they make eating healthfully easy. I stock up on them when I’m in a hurry and on my fruits to keep on hand at home and lots of salads and I am always good to go.

Mainly, though, the change that I’m seeing is that I’m focused on the future.

See you later, sad October. Here comes November. For all of us.

Walking the dog

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . November 10, 2009 . 10:38AM

For the last several months, I’ve been “off my program.” My program had been eating good for me foods and losing weight. Unfortunately, I’d hit a plateau, and after a month of said plateau, I gave up the fight. It wasn’t a huge deal for me, but I wanted to keep moving forward on my loss. I hadn’t been motivated until Halloween. I saw my Halloween pictures and thought, “Man, I really wanted to be a Merlotte’s waitress this year.” Yes, Brandon would probably classify it as a slut costume, but I love True Blood and I really want to do homage to the show without being a vampire. When I looked at the costume though, I thought to myself, “Self, you clearly cannot wear that costume in your current condition. It’s about that time.” So, yes. I am going to get myself in shape for a Halloween costume. I don’t see that it’s any better or worse than anyone else’s excuse. Besides, I have been working on getting in shape for me for a long time. This is just the added motivation.

My YMCA card had dust on it, so I blew that sucker off and decided to get back to business. Over the weekend, I’d managed to get ‘er done (yes, I just said it-go on and disown me), but after the car fiasco, I knew there wouldn’t be time to workout. My fitness guru and very good friend, Mike, has been yoda-ing me in this go-round and he’d cautioned that I needed a recovery day for my body. So, I decided that a nice, leisurely walk with Reagan would do the trick.

I don’t play favorites with walking the dogs, it’s just that Sophie tuckers out after a block and Molly is so busy sniffing and marking territory that I’d never get anywhere if I took them. Reagan is built Ford-tough. She has tiny legs and some serious muscle in that little weiner dog body of hers. She went with me today for 35 minutes without complaint. We did have some adventures, though.

-We attacked every crunchy leaf in the vicinity of our walk. As the trees are letting them drop like crazy, this amounted to some serious attacks.

-A school bus full of children waved at us.

-Reagan whined at the school bus full of children because she knows that the school bus might mean AJ is there.

-When the bus went past with no AJ, she pouted, moped, and refused to jump on crunchy leaves until I was ahead of her crunchy leaf ratio 10:1.

-We went around a park and found a small stream that I didn’t know existed.

-A car drove past us with a little dog in it that so desperately wanted to make Reagan it’s “friend” that it almost jumped out the window. I watched as it slowly drove past with the dog hanging out the window and the owner laughing so hard he almost let go of the little dog.

-We saw some beautiful fall foliage.

-A LOOSE doberman came running after Reagan. Apparently my horns came out because I yelled at it “NO!” and “YOU GO HOME YOU VERY BAD DOG!” and it literally turned and ran with its tail between it’s legs. Wussy. I must have a fierce angry face. Don’t mess with anything I believe belongs to me. I will ruin you. I don’t care if you have teeth that can tear me apart. I look really mean when I’m mad. And if I see it again I will have no problem calling animal control and letting those people pay to get that dog back. Leash laws are there for a reason.

-Reagan gave me the biggest, happiest face when she saw the front yard. Dogs can grin, you know? We both got our fitness on.

Overall, my walk today was simply breathtaking. It helped remind me why fall is my favorite season. I hope that all of you are spending some time outside just enjoying the scents and beauty of this time of year. I want to take a second and thank Mike, one more time, for the time and effort he has been putting into me. My friendships mean a lot to me and he’s holding me accountable this time and it is what I needed. I’m one of those needy, hard to be friends with people because sarcasm is my defense mechanism, so it really is hard to put up with me on a regular basis. I’m also sensitive, so I take things the wrong way a lot. To be “in charge” of anything I’m doing, especially when I’m such a type-A, has got to be a pain in the butt, so thank you, again.

How can I calculate the calories in my exercise regimen? Or Wiener and I are working on our fitness.

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . May 31, 2009 . 1:25PM

I promised this wouldn’t turn into my weight loss blog, and I’m sticking with that plan. However, that doesn’t mean that you won’t hear about aspects of my journey. It’s a big part of my life right now, and, until it becomes second nature to me, it feels like an overwhelming aspect that is permeating everything, not just my eating habits. I’m having to relearn all kinds of things: how I eat, how I sleep, my daily schedule, and, most especially, fitness.

We live in a nice, safe neighborhood that is filled with well-manicured lawns and well-designed sidewalks. Daily, Duder, Weiner and Pea lose their noodles over people who walk or ride bicycles past the house because the area invites us to get out and move. I have a membership to a local place, but the beauty of the weather, when it hasn’t been raining, has beckoned me to get out and move. Well, that and the dogs are eating us out of house and home and I’m afraid that they won’t be able to get up the steps if they don’t exercise soon. I’m not kidding. Weiner could pass for a Sumo-dog and Pea is getting close to Shamu proportions.

So, I ordered them some harnesses because they are adept at getting out of collars, especially Pea who is like Houdini. For the record, I like Puppia harnesses and I don’t get paid anything to endorse them. They are comfortable and they keep my dogs safe. That’s what matters to me.

What I’ve been doing is taking the dogs around the neighborhood several times. They are so good! They don’t do their business on anyone’s yard and they walk at a brisk pace, which keeps me on track. Pea is good for a couple of trips around, which is good for her little legs. However, this is where Weiner isn’t just good: She SHINES. She’s like a miniature Energizer Bunny. She will go around the block as many times as you’ll take her. She’ll walk quickly and be a good dog. There is no sniffing for a sweet spot. She’s all business. We’re here to walk.

I wondered how effective our walks were as exercise. I go for about 45 minutes. Thanks to a book I’m reading, I was pointed to a website, CalorieControl.org, that tells me exactly how effective my walks are and I was blown away. I’m not going to tell you how many calories I burn while taking care of my dogs, but it was a lot. How many calories are you burning every day? Was it more or less than you thought? This is a great resource and I’m glad to have found it.

My dogs are just glad to get out of the house.

When you hit the weight loss plateau that will not quit

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . April 6, 2009 . 5:33AM

This will not turn into Jillian’s whine and moan weight loss journey. I’ve been there, done that, bought the tshirt and then turned the tshirt into rags to clean my bathroom. However, this blog is my whiny, narcissistic anger management journal and, by all that is holy and reverent, if I don’t get off my weight loss plateau, I am going to explode. I mean it. I will cover this whole house in cellulite and don’t think I won’t do it.

ONE MONTH. One month of no movement on the scale. It taunts me. I’m at *mumble*.2 pounds. Seriously. *Mumble*.2 pounds for a month. It’s the .2 pounds that’s taunting me. And now, it’s starting to move up. My nutritionist, Fran, has finally given me the go ahead to drop down 200 calories because, frankly, I think she fears the cellulite explosion.

It’s not helping. If anything, I think I may gain because of this. I’ve read the googled sites. They say that I need to “shake up my routine” and exercise more, which is out due to my knee. Eat at different times. Eat more. Eat less. Eat upside down, which is my preferred sleeping position according to Husband since all this started. Eat less carbs. Eat more protein. Hop on one less and shout your grandmother’s middle name while tugging on your earlobe.

I’m to the point where I’m wondering if donating blood would get rid of that pesky .2 pounds, at least until it regenerates. I’m trying the eating more thing. The problem is that I’m not hungry. There. I said it. Throw your stones. I don’t eat when I’m not hungry anymore. 4 months in and I just don’t do it and I’m not going to and sometimes that means that I can go a week at 1,000 calories a day and now that means I’m not losing weight even if I have one day a week where I eat anything I want and can get 2500-3000 calories that day.

Fran and I need to have some one on one time. It’s scheduled for the end of the month. Our relationship is suffering. I’m going to jump back on the physical therapy and try to get to where I can do exercise. I have no idea what to do abotu food other than eat when I’m hungry and eat right. I just bought a new scale to show the old one who is boss. It’s pretty and glass and the old one is dirty and plastic. Who is in charge now? The only problem? It actually shows me as heavier than Old Faithful.

2 words: Cellulite Explosion.

Insecurity with my body and What ifs?

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . April 1, 2009 . 4:46AM

When you first consider the idea of weight loss, after years and years of abusing your body, there is a certain amount of fear and reluctance. There are always questions as to whether or not you can truly put forth the amount of effort it will take to lose weight, whether you are mentally prepared for what comes with the act of the effort and the results as well as the reasoning for gaining weight in the first place. There is fear as to possible failure and the difference in how people react to you as a person. Because you know there is a difference, right? In how people treat you?

I allow myself to think about the difference in small spurts. Anything more than that feels overwhelming and since I’m only losing weight in small spurts, that feels manageable. Over the weekend, I was triggered by a PostSecret image that put into words the insecurity of some fears that I have about losing this weight.

What if I look better now than I will then? Even if I’m healthier then, what if I’d rather be shallow? Look, my self-esteem isn’t over the top, but I’m not a bad looking big woman. The extra weight looks ok on me. In fact, the smaller I get, the larger my nose gets and the beadier my eyes will get. I’ve been skinny. I know about this. I also know that my weight disguises any wrinkles I may have gotten due to the 8 year old who likes to test my heart rate.

So, what if I look better now? What if I’m happier as a big girl? What if all the chubby chasers go away and I have no more admirers? What if the Latino men and gorgeous chocolate brothers are no longer interested when there is no “junk in my trunk” and I’m no longer “cool for a big girl?” What if I get skinny and hate myself? Some days I’m just like many other women: full of insecurity. It’s just one of those days.