Are you done with politics?

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . November 3, 2010 . 12:48AM

Tonight has been a night full of election coverage and, while I’ve spent hours upon hours watching I realized…I’m bored. What better time, then, to update my blog as well as focus on something that is relatively within my control and something else that people hate to hear about: exercise?

So, about a month ago, something in me just changed. I can’t describe it because one day it was different than it has been. Generally, I get into a fit about how I look and decide “this is it, I’ve had it” and decide to go to the gym. It works out for a couple of weeks and then I’m back to couch surfing for a bit. Last year, as well as the year before, I’d done really well and lost quite a bit of weight. Ultimately, I’ve been quite happy about my looks. October, though, is the month of self-reflection for me and has been for the last few years. I tend to hermit myself away, avoid contact with people and focus on what is going on with my immediate needs and those of the people in my household. It gives me time to grieve my losses, work on my schoolwork and decide what needs to be changed. It’s not easy on my friends, though, because I ultimately tend to close myself off from them. It’s not the best coping strategy and it only works for me because of my introverted nature.

During my “month of internal reflection” something changed inside of me. I was thinking about some of my long-term goals after graduation and realized that where I am is in no way conducive to where I want to be in a year and a half. I may be happy with my body and healthy, for the most part regardless of societal standards, but if I want to pick up the martial arts and the dance lessons and all those things that I have in my future, I need to make changes. Unfortunately, this “click” happened in the month of apathy. The month where I do nothing. The month where I’m essentially in hiding. What was I supposed to do?

I stayed in hiding with the exception of making some changes. I met with my trainer and we set up a plan. I have daily goals and most days I actually do them. My goal was to hit the gym seven days a week. I’m hitting it 4-5. I used to have trouble walking from the parking lot on campus to my building. I’m now doing either 45 minutes of cardio or weights and cardio every day (mostly).

I’ve noticed that I have some weird quirks. If you don’t wipe down your machine, I’m going to give you a nasty look until you notice how I’m looking at you; this is especially true if I’m the next person who needs that machine on my circuit. If the pulse meter isn’t working on a machine I’m going to be grumpy and need Lady Gaga. This is not optional. Slow songs will slow my pulse. Therefore, yes, I like to listen to Britney Spears while I workout and don’t think for one second I don’t know that the people around me are listening to her, too. If I can see a woman’s sports bra or it’s clear she’s showing off the goodies, I’m judging her. Same goes for the boys. There is no reason your clothes should ever be that tight. Let your body breathe.

Ultimately, my change in behavior and thinking is changing A.J.’s, too. He’s started to talk about better nutrition and taken to swimming and running more frequently. He was disappointed in chicken nuggets the other night and thought that he “should have had the grilled chicken.” He’s starting to make better choices and guzzling water like a hummer drinking down the gas. For a child who would live on McDonald’s if I allowed it, these changes are not small things. When I took Sophie on a walk yesterday (my day off of the gym), he wanted to come walk with us. When I noted that he couldn’t keep up, he was personally offended.

Next time, I’ll let him come.

There are little things that I’m noticing about myself that are changing, too, besides the easy weight loss. There is the pride when I do the small increases in weight/tension on my weights. The happiness when I don’t feel like I’m dying on the elliptical. The smiles when I realize that I’m going longer and longer without needing the water during my exercise routine. The disbelief when I note that I’ve listened to my Zune player through almost a whole song and not noted that my side hurts or I’m walking or anything beyond the lyrics to the song going through my head. Lastly, the exhilaration when I push through a particularly difficult weight routine (overhead press!) and those last 3 reps don’t overcome me. I overcome them.

I am thanking God every day for Panera, Chick-fil-a and Subway because they make eating healthfully easy. I stock up on them when I’m in a hurry and on my fruits to keep on hand at home and lots of salads and I am always good to go.

Mainly, though, the change that I’m seeing is that I’m focused on the future.

See you later, sad October. Here comes November. For all of us.

Accepting my Amazonian womanhood

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . July 16, 2009 . 1:10PM

Leon wrote a great article about our time at Zanies watching Ralphie May the other night. Thanks for guest blogging, honey. Come back again, soon.

One thing that Leon’s article was missing was something that I realized he probably didn’t value the way I did. Rather than asking him to write about it, I decided to write about it myself, thus adding value back to it and giving myself more bang for my blogging buck. What? I’m honest.

Here’s the deal, though. Leon didn’t get this the way I didn’t understand why he almost peed his pants over the Chick-fil-a jokes: I didn’t connect to it on the same level he did. Leon has an unnatural love of Chick-fil-a sandwiches, so the jokes were tear producing for him. Ralphie took some time to talk about serious topics as well as comedy, and one of them was self-image.

His main comment on this was that our culture sucks in that we put all of this emphasis on looks. Women essentially wear makeup for other women and that as long as men are getting laid, they rarely care if you wear it. If they do care, there are bigger issues, etc. You can fill in the jokes there. He made fun of everyone, including himself. But, for 5 minutes of that show, he told every woman in that audience how beautiful they were and you know what? I think we needed to hear it. I know I did.

It doesn’t matter who is telling it, we need to hear it. Yes, I know “you should be able to feel beautiful on your own without someone telling you.” Well, I’m telling you that the idea of that is an idealistic one in this society. Shoulda woulda coulda.

The bottom line is that some people feel amazing about themselves and I think that’s awesome. They have managed to have an ideal sense of self that we all strive for and I truly think that they are amazing for getting there. That sense of self was helped to development by many people who made that person feel secure during development. Not everyone had that security and not everyone has been able to or chose to nurture that sense of self in that way. Most of still keep plugging along trying to hit the caboose of the self-esteem train just for a couple of minutes a year.

Where am I going with this? Hang on, I’m getting there.

So, after my Sunday night Ralphie boost, bless his little heart, I was feeling a little better and it was on to Tuesday night Gender Roles. We did an interesting exercise. It’s something that can be used to help people find their archetypes (symbolic images in folklore and those present in our current subconscious such as heroes, warriors, etc.). For me, while we did the exercise, I was able to embrace part of myself and find a warrior subtype that I connect with: I am an Amazon.

Yep. I’m a tall, big-boned, blobby-bodied, goddess who is stronger than she looks both physically and emotionally. I’m able to be rough and tumble and do what I have to do to protect what’s mine and, at the same time, be emotionally in touch with those around me and be sensitive to their needs. During our active imagination, I realized that I am more independent than I realized and that I’m more ok with what I look like and who I am than I thought I was.

Screw you, Jenny Craig. Screw you, Weight Watchers. I’m an Amazon.*

* And of course, due to cultural norms, I feel the need to defend my newfound Amazonian nature with an “I promise I’m not crazy or screwed up” comment. I’m just empowered. It’s a good feeling. And if you don’t like my Amazonian status, good. Find your own archetype and we can be archetypal enemies. It’ll be like Heroes Quest! Man, I used to love that game. Or Dungeons and Dragons (that one, not so much). Anyway, I’m an Amazon! But not the crazy kind.