Supporting friends through reconciliation

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . March 29, 2012 . 12:36AM

I know this is a difficult concept for some folks, but when people who were strongly moving toward divorce make the serious attempt to work things out, the options you have are to be loving and supportive, say nothing at all and maintain the type of friendship you’ve always had with the one you’ve always supported, express your displeasure openly so it can be discussed or passive aggressively say nothing and shun them so they know you are upset.

Here’s the thing though, what those people are doing is hard work and no one is struggling with this decision more than they are and they need their friends, family and community to help them through it because it’s only going to end one of two ways: with them back in the role of partners for life and resenting how you treated them/thankful for how you treated them or with them devastated and alone and resenting you for how you treated them/thankful for how you treated them. And trust me…they remember. Every single second of it.

A couple of years ago I posted that I was dealing with separation from my husband and that we were going to privately make some decisions on our own. In the last 2 years, many, many mistakes have been made, but we are working on things. As I reflect on the last two years, what I think about frequently was how people chose to treat us differently when they found out that we were separating. There was automatic third wheel status. We weren’t then, and are not now, invited to places where we were previously invited as a couple. People see us differently. I had a taste of how people would view me as a divorced woman and, frankly, it wasn’t kind.

I was very, very angry. Without stirring up my personal life with a mixer, I’ll just say that there are some things in the past that were way out of my control and it felt like I was being punished for that by people that were supposed to be my friends and people that were supposed to care for me. Even more interesting is how people have responded in the 7 months since my husband and I decided to truly try to fix this marriage. People that had taken sides, and probably understandably so, immediately shunned both of us because we were clearly idiots for going back to someone who was nuts. So quick they were to forget that we have an 11-year-old son and a life we’ve built together since we were just out of our teens. We have been building a life together for 1/3 of the life I have, 1/3 of the life he has.

I can’t make those around me understand my situation, nor am I going to pull my hair out because I can’t get to where they are with it. Every now and then I remember that I started this blog just to vent and I am far too tired to make it pretty or more thoughtful. Maybe those that come here looking for “supporting friends reconciliation” won’t need something flowery though.

All they need to understand is that if you love and care for someone, you can do it conditionally or unconditionally. It won’t be easy if you choose the latter, but it’s the only way it’s going to last. People have reasons as to why they do things that we don’t understand or agree with but we can choose to disagree and not let it affect our relationship or we can say that isn’t possible and part ways. There is nothing in any of this that says we have to make someone who is sad or suffering feel worse about with what they are struggling because we are uncomfortable with their decisions.

And I suppose that’s where I am. Picking my flowers, leaving the poison ivy (of which I’m highly allergic) and realizing that life works out exactly the way it should. And people do, too.

When should I let go of a friendship?

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . March 22, 2011 . 9:16PM

When should I let go of a friendship? This question is a hard one that I’ve asked myself so many times in my life that I truly don’t remember the first time I thought “this isn’t working, I’m not happy and this has to stop.” What I do remember is that I generally have allowed my friendships to get to that point where I have begun to feel trapped in that friendship and I have realized that I no longer want to be in any kind of relationship with that person, including as an acquaintance. All of this could have been fixed with some simple communication on my part, on their part, on both of our parts, but it hasn’t happened, or it happened with little results or no long lasting results. Ultimately, my stomach turns, my anxiety increases and it is in my head that…

…it’s time to break-up.

Is that a little dramatic? It sounds like a romantic relationship, right? A new friendship can be as exciting and as intoxicating as a new romantic relationship. It doesn’t mean you are in love with that person, but it activates similar levels of dopamine and you feel that same dopey feeling of, “Gosh, aren’t they just wonderful? I want to spend more time with them. I wonder what they think about…” When you’ve found someone that shares common traits and activities, it can lend something fresh to a life that may feel stale. However, just like every other relationship, it will age and it will either age like a fine wine or it’s going to age like last week’s tacos. I have some amazing friendships that are like wine bottles I have yet to open. They just keep going and I sometimes wonder if the shoe is ever going to drop…and it never does and it just keeps being wonderful. These aren’t the relationships I’m talking about today.

Today, we’re going to talk about tacos and when it’s time to toss ‘em.

First, it’s important to examine what you’re giving to your relationships. Are you giving it everything you’ve got? Most of us aren’t. Who has time to give a friendship 100% of their life? Most friends aren’t asking for 100% and that isn’t something that should be expected. However, if you are the one who is always going over to their house, who is always the one listening to their problems, who is always being the one to put forth the effort…you’re having last week’s tacos and it’s time to re-evaluate the purpose of this friendship.

People are not solitary. I’m an introvert, by nature, and generally I can spend quite a bit of time on my own and do so happily. Yet, there will always be a pack mentality within me that propels me to get out there and make friends. Call it evolution, call it “getting out my talkies,” call it whatever you want. People need friends for support and love. If you don’t have it, you want it. If you have it, but the other person gives you nothing in return, you are in a friend deficit. You are doing the giving, you are receiving nothing in return and…I’m sorry, I missed the point of the friendship. What are they adding to your life again?

What are some signs you have a taco?

-When that person calls, you are available and you let it go to voicemail.

-You consider what to do in your free time and that person doesn’t cross your mind.

-The thought of spending time with that person makes your stomach hurt, your heart race or makes you grit your teeth.

- You can’t trust that person and you wonder, quite frankly, if they have your best interests at heart.

-You think they might be using you for something you have: money, skills, a ride, who you know, what you’ve got.

-They stir the drama.  These people will eventually come around to stir you into the pot.

- When you try to tell them something that is bothering you, they may give you a token amount of time, but they will not allow you talk until you feel better.  They have no problem cutting you off when THEY are done.

-Even when they know something is important to you, you have to remind them it exists.  (Like a blog!)

-When you try to include them in your life, it only happens when they have downtime.  You are NOT someone’s downtime.

- They allow a boyfriend or girlfriend to take precedence over a longterm friendship.

- They constantly argue with you over things that don’t matter; Being right is more important than being harmonious.

- They take your life personally.  This can be in the form of your being sick and not showing up to hang out must mean you don’t care about them all the way to you not taking their advice means you think they are stupid.

- They judge how you do things such as parenting your child or choosing a job.  We are not talking about someone who carefully helps you work through things.  We’re talking flat out judgment.

- They don’t care if they hurt your feelings and they speak before thinking.

- They just aren’t as mature as you are and you’ve outgrown the relationship.

Ok, I could really go on and on and on with this forever.  This is a small sampling of symptoms of a larger issue.  We must learn how to trust our gut when it says “it’s over, let it go” because when we decide to let go we free ourselves from something that feels unhealthy to us and allows us to be available for something amazing to come our way.

Trust yourself.  Toss the tacos.

On the Road Again

by Jillian @ http://blueshelled.com . February 23, 2010 . 11:30PM

As an introvert, I just don’t travel well. I need a lot of sleep and a lot of time to myself. By that, I mean I need copious amounts of quiet time or I turn into a raging witch who will poke your eyes out if she doesn’t eat on time or stay warm or get enough entertainment…you get the picture.

However, there are times that even the thought of travel isn’t so daunting that I feel like I need to avoid trips. This is especially true when I know that I will see many of my friends and that the people I’m spending time with are those that have similar belief systems to mine. Well, that and I LOVE a good hotel room. Don’t you? All the little soaps and clean towels and beds that are made and lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

Leon and I had been looking forward to our trip last weekend for months. We were heading to CPAC and it was our first real trip ever without AJ. The plan was to be gone for 5 days and to leave AJ with our friend Bryan. AJ was thrilled because for him this meant: No bedtime, all the soda he could drink, video games and hanging out with the coolest person he knows. For me this meant: coming home to a spoiled child, worrying about whether he was getting enough to eat and wondering if his eyes were going to rot out of his head from playing video games.

I got over it and we went to D.C. There are so many things to blog about and they overrun everything I truly want to say. What this means is that you are going to have to deal with me blogging about it in spurts, as it comes to me, instead of a nice block of cohesive posts.

Washington D.C., from the point of view of someone whose city has little traffic issue, is a beast. I have never had to pay so much money to go such a little distance in my life. I will never, ever live there. Luckily, both Leon and I decided that there will be no politicians in this family. For the first two nights, we stayed outside of the city in a complicated little place called Silver Spring, Maryland. It was full of older homes and streets that are similar to something a 12-year old Sims player might put together. The goal was to make it to the Dubliner in D.C. Even the Jesus phone that our friend Allen had was confused as to how to get there from where we were. The miles of snow piled upon the cars and on the sides of the street didn’t aid in getting us to food any faster.

Remember when I said I don’t travel well and I get angry like the Hulk if things aren’t perfect? I was hungry. And I’d just realized I left my phone charger at home. My driving companions were fearful, but Allen is very laid back and Leon was looking forward to seeing his friends at The Dubliner. I’m pretty certain both of them were ignoring me because I was in the back seat, too, but neither would cop to this.

When we arrived, around 8pm on a Wednesday night, the place was packed. Luckily, a friend of ours thinks ahead and had reserved a whole area for our large group. Unfortunately, the staff at the Dubliner didn’t take us seriously because we had about 5 stools for 20 or so people. This led to copious time at the bar.

Which means no one remembers what happened the rest of the night.

I kid!

Or do I?

To be continued…