There. I said it. Throw your stones.

I’ve known it for a while, but I tried to play it off like it was nothing. I’m an introvert by nature and I’m tired of pretending to be something I’m not. My eyes were opened the day I saw an egg on the front of a book and for some reason decided to read it. It was and still is one of the best books I’ve ever read in my life and I high recommend The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney to any and every single person in the whole world who thinks they might be uncomfortable in a group setting. I fought the introvert in me for years by throwing myself into drama, choir, band (yes, I was not the most popular person in high school) and essentially tried to do what I thought I “should” do. I have no idea where I got the idea I “should” be anything, but it felt like the thing to do. Until I read this book.

Now that you have the back story, I’m not a team player. I try to be a team player, I do, and I can be a team player when I really put my mind to it. Last night, in class, there was a narcissist in my group and I about lost it on her. What was to be a group decision became about who could “sway her vote” because with a narcissist it’s all about HER (or him but in this case she was female). I almost walked out of the class. I’m working on self-control in those situations. The woman is in her 50s. I’m almost 30 and I feel like I’m too old for the behavior that says “when I’m in a group you must all fight to change my opinion.” Screw you, lady. We have our opinions and we’ll all pick the last option together. It doesn’t mean that since you now know what we might pick that you get to have us fight so you can change yours.

I also tend to get annoyed when other faculty at my college try to intimidate me. As this is a particularly sensitive issue, I’ll just say this: No, you can’t have it and you aren’t intimidating me because you may bark loud but I’m bigger than you are so I’m not scared. Just because you are demanding, rude and a backbiter doesn’t mean you’ll get your way. I put my name on it and it’s mine. Get your own.

Lastly, I’m an adult. Don’t shush me when I walk into a room to ask you about something of mine that another faculty told me you confiscated without permission and have apparently been hoarding in your office. I didn’t make up the idea, it was expressed to me and I was coming to seek out the truth of the matter so I would know what to do when my class started IN 5 MINUTES. If you shush me again, I will get mean. Really, really mean. Don’t shush me. Ever.

I love my second job. I hate the sidework. I hate grading. I hate talking to kids who I know are giving their all about the drop deadline because I’m worried about their future. I hate talking to kids who I know aren’t giving their all because I’m worried about their future. Most of all, I hate dealing with other people who have varying ideas of how much better than me they think they are (not all of them, sillies, that would be a generalization, some of them are awesome).

But I love what I do. I have two professions where I don’t technically have to BE a team player to do well.

Society can bite me. I’m doing just fine.

By all schools of thought, I am the dreaded internalizer. What this means is that I will stuff down my issues until they boil over my proverbial pot and I either freak out and lose my stuff all over everyone or I get sick. If it is the latter, I will stay sick until I have resolved my issues. I’ve been sick most of this semester.

I also believe everyone should be in therapy, myself included, however I have yet to find the time to stick myself in with someone and have them stir my pot and turn down my temperature. It’s not possible with the current schedule and, as such, here I am. Self-prescribed homework. Journalling. It’s the therapy catch all. “Look for patterns!” I already know mine. Perhaps writing them down will help me feel better about them, though.

Tonight, I’d had a wonderful dinner with my family and some friends who came through town. We hadn’t seen them in years and spent hours reminiscing and enjoying their company. By all accounts I was relaxed when I got home. However, seeing that my favorite hockey team had traded for a 3rd goalie, when what they really need are defensemen prompted a….well, a small upset and I thought that it was time for a place to write about these…minor issues.

Here I am.